en gedi.

This heart is a desert
Dry, cracked and barren.
I yearn for your rain, like a flood from heaven.
I cry out to you from this darkness,
My spirit is empty.
God of Israel, breathe life once again.

I thirst for your grace.
I breathe in, gasping for your air.
My arms reach out for your hands.
My heart longs for the love it once knew.
Yet, still I wander, through this broken land.
God of Israel, breathe life once again.

In the silence, I heard your voice.
A small whisper, but perfectly clear.
“Wake up my daughter, let me shine on you again”
For I was blind, so you gave me your eyes.
I was deaf, and you opened my ears.
I could no longer walk, so you carried me.
I couldn’t breathe, so you did.

Out of death you have rescued me
I cried out to you and you answered.
My heart restored.
My vision repaired.
My lungs refilled.
No longer will I wander in this desert.
God of Israel, you have breathed life once again.

new.

i think my favorite part about being here in this place is that i've been able to escape my thoughts, the ones that i am never really able to put to rest when i'm at home and comfortable. i've spent the past two weeks literally walking in freedom and pure, complete peace. i have really never known anything like this, and it's a miracle that any of this is even happening at all. i'm free from the thoughts and the worry of the future.. the constant questions i have about my summer plans, or the fall, or graduation, or the semester after.. the things i can never seem to escape no matter how good or content i may be in the present.

i have succeeded in living in the moment, for the first time in my life. i have been able to get away from myself, really, and embrace this moment for everything that it is and all that it has to offer. i am walking through history in every sense of the word and it's more tangible than i ever could of imagined.. everyday i see something new, brand new. everyday i learn another person, another place, another story. i've never been more in love with anything or anyone else and it's the absolute best feeling in the world.

god is absolutely real here. i've even thought so far as this may be the first time i've ever truly known god for all that he is. i am quite sure that i haven't known joy like this before, and i haven't felt the closeness and the reality of god anywhere close to the way i feel it here. it's as if the past five or six years i've spent walking with him were all veiled. they were watered down and unrealistic.. and here, it's completely different. i can see it, taste it, feel it. i know that he is right there with me at every moment. the bitterness, the doubt, the cynicism, the pain, the jealousy.. every negative emotion that i have carried with me for so long has almost disappeared.. to the point that i'm terrified to leave, because i don't want to leave it here. i don't want to leave this place and this family that i have acquired. i am joyous for the first time in my life, i have peace for the first time, i have contentment more than i ever have. it's a beautiful feeling, it's so much better than anything i could have imagined.

it was the baptism in the jordan that did me in. i was covered in tears before i got down to the water, i was so overwhelmed with every emotion imaginable. it was the moment that i have been dreaming of for months, it was the moment that was promised to me.. the restoration that i had been waiting for and hoping for. the symbolism of baptism has never been more clear or more meaningful. i waded into that cold water a broken, dead soul. the heaviness of my heartbreak followed me in.. but it did not come out with me. i stepped out of that river a new soul, a living thing. i could breathe again, i could see again, i could feel everything around me. the death stayed in that water and the new life that i have been searching for came out with me.

being here is indescribable.. there are literally no words that even come close to accurately describing how amazing it is. nothing is ever good enough.. but i think i like it that way. it's mine.. it's my experience and my life and i can't really even share it with anyone else.

shalom.

i'm keeping another blog for israel stuff. http://yahfakeshet.blogspot.com/ it's mainly for my family to read. i guess i'll still update this one but i'm not sure if i will or not.. so if you care about my travels.. read the other one :)

scumbag with a golden heart.

packing for israel.

my last night in this country for several weeks. i honestly... don't really know how to feel yet.

all i know at this point is that this is the most content and the closest i've ever been to "god's will" for my life. this is the closest to being exactly where i am "supposed" to be that i ever have been before. i am so ready to embark on this new journey. i am so ready to say goodbye to all that has been my life for the past several months.. years even. i am ready to turn my back completely on the old and embrace the new for all that it is and all that i believe it can be.

i am ready. i am ready.

i just need to keep telling myself that.

goodbye all that i once was. goodbye to the old kristi. goodbye to the brokenhearted girl that i have been for so many months. the anger, the bitterness, the sadness, the pain, the doubt, the anxiousness.. everything. goodbye.

i will emerge new, fresh, restored. and i am believing that with every once of faith that i have stored into these bones (which, honestly, may not be that much at this point)

it sounds so ridiculous and so crazy that just stepping foot in this country could erase all the brokenness inside of me. but i really believe that it can.

here i go. wish me luck.

the flowers you gave me are rotting and still i refuse to throw them away.

things i am currently loving:

1. my halfway packed suitcase for ISRAEL in ONE WEEK!!!

2. i get to see my best friend tomorrow!

3. john legend, nickel creek, and kanye.

4. the fact that aaron has 510 pictures of me in his iphoto. bahahaa.

5. the fact that i've been on the same page of my last pentecostal movement paper for at least 3 days.

6. vanessa.

7. poker every night. i am really going to miss it a lot.

8. david james cripps.

9. my wall to wall with kenny. it seriously makes me really happy. i wish all dead relationships could turn out the way ours is.

10. dinner date with my dad tonight!

11. watchmen midnight premiere.

12. the fact that i have guy friends again. and the fact that i love my beautiful girlfriends very much.

i wish i were better at poker.

writing used to be therapeutic for me, now it's becoming a chore. perhaps because it's just much easier to internalize all the things i'm thinking and feeling lately.. or because i don't feel quite safe writing those things.

i think i'm so independent and i want so badly to deny any feeling of normal womanly desire to be wanted and romanced and loved and wooed that i just repress and repress those desires that are, in fact, inside of me, just like they are inside all the girls that i claim to dislike! i'm the worst kind. i am that girl, i just pretend not to be. i get so upset when i feel like i'm doing all the right things and still, i don't get any play. i look cute, i dress well, i'm funny, i'm outgoing, i'm nice, i'm smart. but.. nothing. i get no crushes, no date offers, no phone number exchanges. and my friends.. who yes, are equally cute and all of the above, get all the action. and the boy that i like is, of course, all about my best friend. and she's into him, of course. and she always gets someone, she always has someone, she is always favored and loved and is always in a relationship of some form.

and i'm angry with her for being like that. it's not fair. it's so stupid of me to be mad at her for that.. it's just jealousy. it's consuming jealousy and fear that i may never find anyone. it's unnecessary. it's unfair.

and i'm still broken from him. i'm over him, completely and utterly, but i still battle those feelings of worthlessness and rejection and inadequacy. and i hate him for it. i hate him for ruining my confidence and stealing my joy. (ironic). i hate him for making me do the stupidest things i've done in my life and committing the biggest crimes i've ever committed. i hate that he got away without scars and without being seen as the asshole that he is. ugh. ugh ugh.

i'm starting to think that i'm just not cut out for this.

this post was not supposed to be about him. i'm just venting. it wasn't supposed to be about any of this meaningless and petty bullshit.

ugh.

okay- moving on.

i decided that if last semester was the semester of death and destruction.. this one must be the semester of life and rebirth. and so far, it has been. the end of christmas break was the end of my old life. everything from that point on has been a climb uphill, and it has been difficult and dirty, but it has been so good and so fulfilling.

the last day of christmas break i said goodbye to everything and burned all of it in my mind. these months at home have been some of the best of my life.. i've been so restored and so renewed. my relationships with these girls who i would die for, the entrance of the piersons and the beautiful and loving individuals that i share bible study time (and a lot more) with during the week, the girls in the youth group who have given me hope and humor, my long distance friends who are still there.. always there, and my family who i am hopelessly in love with. each of these people have changed me, and they have all been aides to the rebirth of kristi.

israel will be the capstone. i can feel it and i know it. not that it will make me complete by any means, but i think it'll have a great deal to do with the completion of this restoration i've been going through. god has given, and will give, so much to me.

/end rambling.

for now just let it be known that i love corinne bailey rae and kanye west.

i love, you love.

Come and share my house, my home, and all I own.
I'd love to give to you.
Aren't you tired of going along this lonely road?
It takes it's toll on you.

Give me your emotion, your heart's devotion.
Give anything you like.
And I'll give understanding. Life's so demanding.
I'm all you need to get by.

And I...
I love, I love, I love
Love hurts sometimes
But this feels right.

And You...
You love, you love, you love
Though you've been burned
You still return.

isaiah 54:4-10

i haven't felt scripture like this in a long, long time. this chapter (and those surrounding it) pierced my heart and soul today. it's as if god was sitting next to me at my kitchen table whispering the words into my ear.. i could feel them that much. it's such a good feeling to experience. it reminds me that i'm not gone, i'm not done, i'm not that far. this is my favorite excerpt.


4 "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.

5 For your Maker is your husband—
the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.

6 The LORD will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected," says your God.

7 "For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.

8 In a surge of anger
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,"
says the LORD your Redeemer.

9 "To me this is like the days of Noah,
when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.
So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,
never to rebuke you again.

10 Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

another day in perrydise.

so, i had two tables today right next to each other. they came in around the same time and ordered similar meals and drinks.

the first one was a man and his son, i'm assuming. the son was about my age and pretty cute.. they were both nice and easy to please.

the second was a son and his mother. the son was probably late twenties and called his mom "my momma" and was very loud and the most overly nice person i've probably ever waited on.

the son at the second table had some sort of social disability. i'm thinking it was probably mild autism or maybe just a personality disorder. i wasn't really sure. and it's times like these that i find myself wishing over and over that it would be acceptable to ask what type of disorder this man had, because i am so incredibly intrigued by things like this. though, if i had asked, he probably would of told me gladly.

anyways. here's the interesting part. the first table, with the man and his son, didn't really talk much. i walked by and checked on them and watched them.. they didn't really even look at each other. the son was texting the whole time and the dad was just chomping away at his seafood platter. they were perfectly happy and content just sitting, eating, not really talking.

the second table, with "momma" and her son, however, were so outgoing and friendly and as i watched them, they laughed with each other, talked about other family or friends, and shared stories. they held eye contact, they were warm, and their conversation was fun. though it was apparent that the son was slightly off.. there was so much love radiating towards his momma and towards life in general.

maybe the father and son were having a bad day, or maybe that's how they always are with each other, but the sadness of the situation hit me today.

they are perfectly healthy, but they weren't talking. they didn't have anything to say. they were closed in to themselves.

the second son, even with a disability, was full of love and joy and was so fascinated with everything around him. he treated his momma to lunch and then talked to me about red snapper for a few minutes.

there is something to this. there was something so different and so special about that man.

both tables left around the same time. i'll remember the second table.. but tomorrow i'll have ten more just like the first.

ladies.

i haven't really been able to write much of anything lately. maybe because of a lack of drama or heartbreak or anything incredibly interesting (except israel in t-minus 19)

i suppose that is a good thing. no news is good news, right?

for now, i just want to get this out:

i think, i know, that the thing i've been fighting and running from for the past few years is becoming my future. i am becoming hopelessly passionate about the things that i've hated and made fun of for two years. maybe not quite this literally.. but this is how it seems to me.

i've resented women and how incredibly sexist southeastern is, i've hated hearing about every girls longing for a white dress and a diamond and a life spent making pot roast and birthing children. i wanted nothing to do with it, any of it. i wanted to be different. i wanted to run away from the broken heart and passion i feel for women who seem to have no self-worth. i wanted to deny how even the tiniest mention of human trafficking and prostitution makes me cry.

but.. maybe there is something so much more significant in that.

my purpose in life is the most uncomfortable, inconvenient, and seemingly fruitless purpose that it could possibly be. and you know what?

i am in love with it.

and this may not make sense to anyone but me. hell, it doesn't make sense to me either.

all i really know is that there is something to that old proverb about telling god no.. because as soon as you do, he'll rewrite everything to center around that thing you denied.

writers block.

She yells, 'if you were homeless,
Sure as hell you'd be drunk
Or high or trying to get there
Or begging for junk
When people don't want you
They just throw you money for beer'

Her name was November
She went by Autumn or Fall
It was seven long years past
Since the Autumn when all
Of her nightmares grew fingers
And all of her dreams grew a tear

She's somebody's baby
Somebody's baby girl
She's somebody's baby
Somebody's baby girl
And she's somebody's baby still

She screams, 'well, if you never
Gone it alone
Well then go ahead, you better
Throw the first stone
You got one lonely stoner
Waiting to bring to her knees'

She dreams about heaven
Remembering hell
As a nightmare she visits
And knows all too well
Every now and again when she's sober
She brushes her teeth

Today was her birthday
Strangely enough
When the cops found her body
At the foot of the bluffs
This morning's anonymous call
Tipped off the police

They got her ID
From her dental remains
The same fillings intact
The same nicotine stains
The birth and the death were both over
With no one to grieve

for the record.

it's done and over.

and i'm ready to take my life and my heart and my wholeness back. in full. nothing missing, nothing lost.

just in time. i was beginning to think it would never happen.

procrastination.

so, i leave for israel in 23 days. i leave niceville in 19.

that is just not enough time.

i have to finish the book i'm almost done with for waddell. and then two more that i still don't have (i'm on my knees praying that they will get here tomorrow) i also need to hackett-style read ancient israel & judah and archaeology & the new testament.. which are the two that i was dreading the most, so i've avoided. then i need to write the summaries for those two.. and a 5-page review for each of waddell's books.

all the while, i need to keep up with the fettke online stuff and finish my last paper for him in the next two weeks. plus, i have to preach this week to the youth and possibly play piano. i have no idea how either of those are going to work out. good thing the kids love me regardless of my talent :) and my aunt and uncle are coming in sometime this week. stressful.

so because of all this, i just don't think i can possibly go to miami. which is really upsetting, because that means i wont get to see david until the cafaro/eller wedding extravaganza in june. but that's okay, because he's going to be my date and we are only going to dance with each other.

i really would love to see becca before i leave, but i don't know if i will.. depending on if she comes home for spring break and if i go to atlanta earlier than planned. actually, all i care about is going to the girltalk concert but no one is making plans with me so i'm just going to kiss that one goodbye.

the beauty of all of this is that i only have two more weeks at perry's and then i am home free.

and in 23 short days i will be on the longest plane ride of my life about to embark on the greatest journey of my life. and my hope is resting in that.

oh what a horribly boring post this was. oh well. i am a pretty boring gal, it's true.

life is a song.

You say life is a dream where we can't say what we mean
Maybe just some roadside scene that we're driving past
There's no telling where we'll be in a day or in a week
And there's no promises of peace or of happiness


Well is this why you cling to every little thing
And pulverize and derange all your senses
Maybe life is a song but you're scared to song along
Until the very ending


Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know
Ideas that strengthen who we've been
It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds
From the chains and shackles that they're in


Oh, tell me what good is saying that you're free
In a dark and storming sea
You're chained to your history, you're surely sinking fast
You say that you know that the good Lord's in control
He's gonna bless and keep your tired and oh so restless soul
But at the end of the day when every price has been paid
You're gonna rise and sit beside him on some old seat of gold
And won't you tell me why you live like you're afraid to die
You'll die like you're afraid to go


Well life is a dream cause we're all walking in our sleep
You could see us stand in lines like we're dead upon our feet
And we build our house of cards and then we wait for it to fall
Always forget how strange it is just to be alive at all

living in the parentheses.

i've been writing a lot lately. both publicly and privately. mostly privately, though. i've just always had this huge fear of people reading my words. words are everything to me. they romance my soul and pierce my heart and there is something about my own words that is just so immensely personal. i'm also just terrified of anyone judging me. that's probably my biggest problem.

the point is. i think it's about time that i get away from this lovely little quicksand trap i like to call niceville. my heart is so conflicted, because it's my roots and so many beautiful things are here. but at the same time.. i've always been so stagnant and so.. blaaaaaagh here (that's really the only way i can describe it.. even though i love them, sometimes words escape me) and i'm just not fulfilled at all. maybe it's me though.. i suppose i can't always blame it on poor innocent niceville. it's mainly my issue and my fear of ever letting myself be fully alive and completely embrace the moment. i wonder what it is that's keeping me that way? maybe it's heartbreak after heartbreak and repression after repression.. or maybe it's just distraction.. or fear. the good little psychology student in me is sure that it has something to do with my childhood (or lack thereof) and my incredible insecurity. the fact that i live in constant guilt for not keeping up with the rest of my family the way i want to, my fear of losing my dad or my brother, the pounds of baggage and scars from the death trap that was last semester, and the stress of never being good enough for someone to love me the way i yearn to be loved.

that is a tad dramatic, and so uncharacteristically vulnerable.

what i do know is that i am so sick of everyone asking me what i'm going to do with myself come december when i waltz across that stage and shake someone other than dr rutland's hand (oh my god it hadn't dawned on me yet that i don't get to shake his hand anymore!!!!!) and i'm mainly sick of this because it reminds me over and over again that i have no idea what the hell i'm going to do with a practical theology degree that i resent much more than you could ever know. all i really, truly want to do is travel and meet people, be with them, talk to them, and bring life back to them. it's all i think about and the only thing that really gets my blood a-pumpin'. but, i am a realist (for the most part) and i know that this is not a career nor does it pay the bills that are looming over my head as we speak. so, what is a girl to do? it's the classic "follow your heart and be poor VS. sell out and live comfortably" situation and frankly, my dear, i don't really feel the need to face the facts just yet. so, for a few more glorious months i will keep dreaming and avoiding the reality that is running towards me in the shape of a graduation hat.

israel is looking so perfect right now.

i am so incredibly excited.. i just want to stand in the middle of a crowded street with no shoes on and close my eyes and breathe in the jewishness that i can already feel. of course i will look ridiculous doing so being a 6 ft tall blonde who just used the word "jewishness", not to mention the no shoes thing. however, i don't really care.

i need to open my heart again. i need to be content.

and, that's all she wrote. plus, this little video which makes my heart smile endlessly.. no matter how many times i've watched it.