i wish i were better at poker.

writing used to be therapeutic for me, now it's becoming a chore. perhaps because it's just much easier to internalize all the things i'm thinking and feeling lately.. or because i don't feel quite safe writing those things.

i think i'm so independent and i want so badly to deny any feeling of normal womanly desire to be wanted and romanced and loved and wooed that i just repress and repress those desires that are, in fact, inside of me, just like they are inside all the girls that i claim to dislike! i'm the worst kind. i am that girl, i just pretend not to be. i get so upset when i feel like i'm doing all the right things and still, i don't get any play. i look cute, i dress well, i'm funny, i'm outgoing, i'm nice, i'm smart. but.. nothing. i get no crushes, no date offers, no phone number exchanges. and my friends.. who yes, are equally cute and all of the above, get all the action. and the boy that i like is, of course, all about my best friend. and she's into him, of course. and she always gets someone, she always has someone, she is always favored and loved and is always in a relationship of some form.

and i'm angry with her for being like that. it's not fair. it's so stupid of me to be mad at her for that.. it's just jealousy. it's consuming jealousy and fear that i may never find anyone. it's unnecessary. it's unfair.

and i'm still broken from him. i'm over him, completely and utterly, but i still battle those feelings of worthlessness and rejection and inadequacy. and i hate him for it. i hate him for ruining my confidence and stealing my joy. (ironic). i hate him for making me do the stupidest things i've done in my life and committing the biggest crimes i've ever committed. i hate that he got away without scars and without being seen as the asshole that he is. ugh. ugh ugh.

i'm starting to think that i'm just not cut out for this.

this post was not supposed to be about him. i'm just venting. it wasn't supposed to be about any of this meaningless and petty bullshit.

ugh.

okay- moving on.

i decided that if last semester was the semester of death and destruction.. this one must be the semester of life and rebirth. and so far, it has been. the end of christmas break was the end of my old life. everything from that point on has been a climb uphill, and it has been difficult and dirty, but it has been so good and so fulfilling.

the last day of christmas break i said goodbye to everything and burned all of it in my mind. these months at home have been some of the best of my life.. i've been so restored and so renewed. my relationships with these girls who i would die for, the entrance of the piersons and the beautiful and loving individuals that i share bible study time (and a lot more) with during the week, the girls in the youth group who have given me hope and humor, my long distance friends who are still there.. always there, and my family who i am hopelessly in love with. each of these people have changed me, and they have all been aides to the rebirth of kristi.

israel will be the capstone. i can feel it and i know it. not that it will make me complete by any means, but i think it'll have a great deal to do with the completion of this restoration i've been going through. god has given, and will give, so much to me.

/end rambling.

for now just let it be known that i love corinne bailey rae and kanye west.