new.

i think my favorite part about being here in this place is that i've been able to escape my thoughts, the ones that i am never really able to put to rest when i'm at home and comfortable. i've spent the past two weeks literally walking in freedom and pure, complete peace. i have really never known anything like this, and it's a miracle that any of this is even happening at all. i'm free from the thoughts and the worry of the future.. the constant questions i have about my summer plans, or the fall, or graduation, or the semester after.. the things i can never seem to escape no matter how good or content i may be in the present.

i have succeeded in living in the moment, for the first time in my life. i have been able to get away from myself, really, and embrace this moment for everything that it is and all that it has to offer. i am walking through history in every sense of the word and it's more tangible than i ever could of imagined.. everyday i see something new, brand new. everyday i learn another person, another place, another story. i've never been more in love with anything or anyone else and it's the absolute best feeling in the world.

god is absolutely real here. i've even thought so far as this may be the first time i've ever truly known god for all that he is. i am quite sure that i haven't known joy like this before, and i haven't felt the closeness and the reality of god anywhere close to the way i feel it here. it's as if the past five or six years i've spent walking with him were all veiled. they were watered down and unrealistic.. and here, it's completely different. i can see it, taste it, feel it. i know that he is right there with me at every moment. the bitterness, the doubt, the cynicism, the pain, the jealousy.. every negative emotion that i have carried with me for so long has almost disappeared.. to the point that i'm terrified to leave, because i don't want to leave it here. i don't want to leave this place and this family that i have acquired. i am joyous for the first time in my life, i have peace for the first time, i have contentment more than i ever have. it's a beautiful feeling, it's so much better than anything i could have imagined.

it was the baptism in the jordan that did me in. i was covered in tears before i got down to the water, i was so overwhelmed with every emotion imaginable. it was the moment that i have been dreaming of for months, it was the moment that was promised to me.. the restoration that i had been waiting for and hoping for. the symbolism of baptism has never been more clear or more meaningful. i waded into that cold water a broken, dead soul. the heaviness of my heartbreak followed me in.. but it did not come out with me. i stepped out of that river a new soul, a living thing. i could breathe again, i could see again, i could feel everything around me. the death stayed in that water and the new life that i have been searching for came out with me.

being here is indescribable.. there are literally no words that even come close to accurately describing how amazing it is. nothing is ever good enough.. but i think i like it that way. it's mine.. it's my experience and my life and i can't really even share it with anyone else.