ladies.

i haven't really been able to write much of anything lately. maybe because of a lack of drama or heartbreak or anything incredibly interesting (except israel in t-minus 19)

i suppose that is a good thing. no news is good news, right?

for now, i just want to get this out:

i think, i know, that the thing i've been fighting and running from for the past few years is becoming my future. i am becoming hopelessly passionate about the things that i've hated and made fun of for two years. maybe not quite this literally.. but this is how it seems to me.

i've resented women and how incredibly sexist southeastern is, i've hated hearing about every girls longing for a white dress and a diamond and a life spent making pot roast and birthing children. i wanted nothing to do with it, any of it. i wanted to be different. i wanted to run away from the broken heart and passion i feel for women who seem to have no self-worth. i wanted to deny how even the tiniest mention of human trafficking and prostitution makes me cry.

but.. maybe there is something so much more significant in that.

my purpose in life is the most uncomfortable, inconvenient, and seemingly fruitless purpose that it could possibly be. and you know what?

i am in love with it.

and this may not make sense to anyone but me. hell, it doesn't make sense to me either.

all i really know is that there is something to that old proverb about telling god no.. because as soon as you do, he'll rewrite everything to center around that thing you denied.