i've been writing a lot lately. both publicly and privately. mostly privately, though. i've just always had this huge fear of people reading my words. words are everything to me. they romance my soul and pierce my heart and there is something about my own words that is just so immensely personal. i'm also just terrified of anyone judging me. that's probably my biggest problem.
the point is. i think it's about time that i get away from this lovely little quicksand trap i like to call niceville. my heart is so conflicted, because it's my roots and so many beautiful things are here. but at the same time.. i've always been so stagnant and so.. blaaaaaagh here (that's really the only way i can describe it.. even though i love them, sometimes words escape me) and i'm just not fulfilled at all. maybe it's me though.. i suppose i can't always blame it on poor innocent niceville. it's mainly my issue and my fear of ever letting myself be fully alive and completely embrace the moment. i wonder what it is that's keeping me that way? maybe it's heartbreak after heartbreak and repression after repression.. or maybe it's just distraction.. or fear. the good little psychology student in me is sure that it has something to do with my childhood (or lack thereof) and my incredible insecurity. the fact that i live in constant guilt for not keeping up with the rest of my family the way i want to, my fear of losing my dad or my brother, the pounds of baggage and scars from the death trap that was last semester, and the stress of never being good enough for someone to love me the way i yearn to be loved.
that is a tad dramatic, and so uncharacteristically vulnerable.
what i do know is that i am so sick of everyone asking me what i'm going to do with myself come december when i waltz across that stage and shake someone other than dr rutland's hand (oh my god it hadn't dawned on me yet that i don't get to shake his hand anymore!!!!!) and i'm mainly sick of this because it reminds me over and over again that i have no idea what the hell i'm going to do with a practical theology degree that i resent much more than you could ever know. all i really, truly want to do is travel and meet people, be with them, talk to them, and bring life back to them. it's all i think about and the only thing that really gets my blood a-pumpin'. but, i am a realist (for the most part) and i know that this is not a career nor does it pay the bills that are looming over my head as we speak. so, what is a girl to do? it's the classic "follow your heart and be poor VS. sell out and live comfortably" situation and frankly, my dear, i don't really feel the need to face the facts just yet. so, for a few more glorious months i will keep dreaming and avoiding the reality that is running towards me in the shape of a graduation hat.
israel is looking so perfect right now.
i am so incredibly excited.. i just want to stand in the middle of a crowded street with no shoes on and close my eyes and breathe in the jewishness that i can already feel. of course i will look ridiculous doing so being a 6 ft tall blonde who just used the word "jewishness", not to mention the no shoes thing. however, i don't really care.
i need to open my heart again. i need to be content.
and, that's all she wrote. plus, this little video which makes my heart smile endlessly.. no matter how many times i've watched it.
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3 comments:
kristi, you and i have so much more in common than i think we really know. reading this, i felt like someone had written out my soul. i understand completely. that's why, i know, that you and my other true friends will always be. i refuse to lost that, even if everything else. i refuse to you...and them.
ah, that happened to me this afternoon.. I went to figure out an independent study assignment with a professor here & this is how the conversation went:
her: what do you want to do with this Master's degree?
me: i'm not entirely sure yet.
her: why aren't you sure?
me: um?
her: you should probably figure that out.
me: no but, I trust the Lord, I don't doubt that He will lead me where He wants me..
silence.
when did it become not okay to live in faith?
(I know I have now left three comments in a row but, I am glad you are writing, & that I have access to it, & that you are being real. there's no sense in writing without being vulnerable, and, as dear Nouwen tells us, we cannot lay down our lives for others without that)
stay strong, kristi. God's the strength holding yours.
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