Monday, January 26, 2009

dreaming of things that might of been.

so, you know when you pick up a book and you can just feel that it's about to change you? this happens to me with movies too.. like how i knew benjamin button would somehow shake me to the very core (which is kind of weird..)

anyways. it happened last night when i started "eat, pray, love" by elizabeth gilbert. i got hooked within the first 3 pages and couldn't put it down until i was so tired i couldn't keep my eyes open. it kind of scares me, though, because it's so strangely reminiscent of where i am in life right now. i mean, not exactly, but close enough. i'm excited to see where it goes.. it's definietly going to be world shattering.

the really scary thing, though, is that she's on this quest for god.. and in the first few pages she openly states that though she is a christian by culture (wasp) she is not by belief, because she cannot seem to grasp the crux of christianity.. that jesus is the only way to heaven.

and you know what.. i can't really grasp that either.

i hope i don't get shot or patronized for that statement. it is something i think about all the time, and am terrified to ever speak (so i'm writing it here, in the comfort of my own blog)

i just can't honestly say that i believe it right now.

i know i did at one point, and i might come to believe it again. but right now, i just can't.

i believe in god more than anything. i am absolutely sure that he is real, and that he is actively involved in my life and in the world. i am absolutely positive that he changed me into who i am, that he saved my life from the depths of the grave, and that he listens to my cries when i call to him. i believe he can heal. i believe he can ressurrect. i believe he can restore, and change, and turn death into life. i believe i've heard his voice and that he directs my path and all my footsteps.

but even with that said.. is it REALLY the only way? is a relationship with jesus really all there is to it? is "being saved" really the only way a person can truly experience the god of israel? is it? could it be?

and now i feel like such a baby. i've been a christian for years, i am almost done with a theology degree from a christian university, and i want to serve in the church as a career! who am i? i must be insane, right? who knows. maybe there really is just too much junk in my head and i've listened to far too many lectures. or maybe there's something to these thoughts. do we have it wrong? did jesus mean that he was the ONLY way when he called himself the way, truth, and life?

maybe ill find out in israel. maybe not.

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