akhos.

i simply cannot decide what i'd rather have had happen.

i am so thankful for experiencing love.. however true it may have been.

and i know that it will find me again.

and i know that it will be so much more. so much more. so much more than i can imagine.

but i detest this feeling.

i hate being angry, and jealous, and bitter.

they are mine, and you cannot have them. they are my friends, my heart, my life. they are mine.

i am livid that i am so broken.

i hate the feeling of my heart breaking into pieces, where i can feel it in my chest. i can feel it beating heavier, breathing gets harder, and my senses become weaker.

i hate carrying around the guilt (oh god the guilt), and the doubt, and the insecurities.

i want to love.. everyone. i want to be friend to.. everyone. i do not want to be enemy to a single one. i do not want to feel guilty, or sullen, or oppressive.

my hope rests in you. it will come again. and before it does, you will mend me. you will break, bend, and shape me.

i shall become myself, once again. but not without you. not without your help, my father, my friend.

"so kiss me, kiss me, life is too short to scream and shout"