masks.

i wrote this awhile ago as a fb note, but i wanted to save it here too.

i have spent 5 years in the christian church, and 3 at a pentecostal college (in the religion department, no doubt!).. and still i wonder if we are so far away from what the call to live holy lives really means. why have i spent so many years in this world and still not know what it means to truly live in freedom? why must there be so many more negative marks? are we completely missing it?

are we the ones living in an oppressed community, with a lack of freedom? do we constantly focus on the people outside of our circle as the ones who are in need of this so called freedom and peace... when we are the ones who have really never tasted or felt what freedom is, in the purest sense?

we preach our salvation through the cross, but we never take it any further than that. just past the cross is the danger of the church and the oppression of religion. we take up the cause of the modern church, not the message of jesus and we become slaves to the law and restriction, guilt and judgment.

how is it that we can be so wrapped up in this law? why are we more concerned with the soul of someone who has a beer every once in awhile, or someone who asks a few questions about their faith in order to find more truth.. than with those who are lying naked in a sewer, dying in the most humiliating and painful way because no one gave a damn about them? because we were all too busy worrying about who's sleeping in on a sunday morning instead of going to church.

are we the ones in captivity?
are we the victims?
are we the poor and the destitute?
are we wandering in the desert?

where the hell did we get this idea that we were the chosen ones? we were the strong and the lucky ones? and all we really have to do is feel sorry for those who are "less fortunate" than us when we watch an emotionally charged video about children in africa and then throw a few dollars into an offering plate.

will there ever truly be freedom in this paradox that we call christianity? i have seen more love and freedom in these people that i call believers, but i have also seen the most judgment and the most bitterness.. the hardest of hearts. i cannot find a balance in the two, it doesn't make sense.

do we really love others, or can we just do a really good impression of love? do we even realize what we're singing to god, or are we incredibly conditioned to raise our hands and sing the loudest? why is it that some of the "greatest" christians are the most hateful and invulnerable people.. and vise versa.

are our eyes blind?

where is truth? where are answers? why are we still so far? what would jesus think?

why do we just continue to bring shame to the name of something that was meant to be so counter-cultural, so different, so unique. something that called us to love the poor and feed the hungry and clothe the naked. is this why we celebrate people like mother teresa? this must be why we find such a hero in a woman like her, because that is what we all desire to be, but only a few can actually find love in a life like hers.

is it possible? can it be done? can we break the chains of others while we struggle with our own?

are we just wearing masks? or is this how it was supposed to be?