"The word became flesh and blood, and moved into the neighborhood. We saw the glory with our own eyes, the one-of-a-kind glory, like Father, like Son. Generous inside and out, true from start to finish"
John 1:14, message.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
dreaming of things that might of been.
so, you know when you pick up a book and you can just feel that it's about to change you? this happens to me with movies too.. like how i knew benjamin button would somehow shake me to the very core (which is kind of weird..)
anyways. it happened last night when i started "eat, pray, love" by elizabeth gilbert. i got hooked within the first 3 pages and couldn't put it down until i was so tired i couldn't keep my eyes open. it kind of scares me, though, because it's so strangely reminiscent of where i am in life right now. i mean, not exactly, but close enough. i'm excited to see where it goes.. it's definietly going to be world shattering.
the really scary thing, though, is that she's on this quest for god.. and in the first few pages she openly states that though she is a christian by culture (wasp) she is not by belief, because she cannot seem to grasp the crux of christianity.. that jesus is the only way to heaven.
and you know what.. i can't really grasp that either.
i hope i don't get shot or patronized for that statement. it is something i think about all the time, and am terrified to ever speak (so i'm writing it here, in the comfort of my own blog)
i just can't honestly say that i believe it right now.
i know i did at one point, and i might come to believe it again. but right now, i just can't.
i believe in god more than anything. i am absolutely sure that he is real, and that he is actively involved in my life and in the world. i am absolutely positive that he changed me into who i am, that he saved my life from the depths of the grave, and that he listens to my cries when i call to him. i believe he can heal. i believe he can ressurrect. i believe he can restore, and change, and turn death into life. i believe i've heard his voice and that he directs my path and all my footsteps.
but even with that said.. is it REALLY the only way? is a relationship with jesus really all there is to it? is "being saved" really the only way a person can truly experience the god of israel? is it? could it be?
and now i feel like such a baby. i've been a christian for years, i am almost done with a theology degree from a christian university, and i want to serve in the church as a career! who am i? i must be insane, right? who knows. maybe there really is just too much junk in my head and i've listened to far too many lectures. or maybe there's something to these thoughts. do we have it wrong? did jesus mean that he was the ONLY way when he called himself the way, truth, and life?
maybe ill find out in israel. maybe not.
anyways. it happened last night when i started "eat, pray, love" by elizabeth gilbert. i got hooked within the first 3 pages and couldn't put it down until i was so tired i couldn't keep my eyes open. it kind of scares me, though, because it's so strangely reminiscent of where i am in life right now. i mean, not exactly, but close enough. i'm excited to see where it goes.. it's definietly going to be world shattering.
the really scary thing, though, is that she's on this quest for god.. and in the first few pages she openly states that though she is a christian by culture (wasp) she is not by belief, because she cannot seem to grasp the crux of christianity.. that jesus is the only way to heaven.
and you know what.. i can't really grasp that either.
i hope i don't get shot or patronized for that statement. it is something i think about all the time, and am terrified to ever speak (so i'm writing it here, in the comfort of my own blog)
i just can't honestly say that i believe it right now.
i know i did at one point, and i might come to believe it again. but right now, i just can't.
i believe in god more than anything. i am absolutely sure that he is real, and that he is actively involved in my life and in the world. i am absolutely positive that he changed me into who i am, that he saved my life from the depths of the grave, and that he listens to my cries when i call to him. i believe he can heal. i believe he can ressurrect. i believe he can restore, and change, and turn death into life. i believe i've heard his voice and that he directs my path and all my footsteps.
but even with that said.. is it REALLY the only way? is a relationship with jesus really all there is to it? is "being saved" really the only way a person can truly experience the god of israel? is it? could it be?
and now i feel like such a baby. i've been a christian for years, i am almost done with a theology degree from a christian university, and i want to serve in the church as a career! who am i? i must be insane, right? who knows. maybe there really is just too much junk in my head and i've listened to far too many lectures. or maybe there's something to these thoughts. do we have it wrong? did jesus mean that he was the ONLY way when he called himself the way, truth, and life?
maybe ill find out in israel. maybe not.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
akhos.
i simply cannot decide what i'd rather have had happen.
i am so thankful for experiencing love.. however true it may have been.
and i know that it will find me again.
and i know that it will be so much more. so much more. so much more than i can imagine.
but i detest this feeling.
i hate being angry, and jealous, and bitter.
they are mine, and you cannot have them. they are my friends, my heart, my life. they are mine.
i am livid that i am so broken.
i hate the feeling of my heart breaking into pieces, where i can feel it in my chest. i can feel it beating heavier, breathing gets harder, and my senses become weaker.
i hate carrying around the guilt (oh god the guilt), and the doubt, and the insecurities.
i want to love.. everyone. i want to be friend to.. everyone. i do not want to be enemy to a single one. i do not want to feel guilty, or sullen, or oppressive.
my hope rests in you. it will come again. and before it does, you will mend me. you will break, bend, and shape me.
i shall become myself, once again. but not without you. not without your help, my father, my friend.
"so kiss me, kiss me, life is too short to scream and shout"
i am so thankful for experiencing love.. however true it may have been.
and i know that it will find me again.
and i know that it will be so much more. so much more. so much more than i can imagine.
but i detest this feeling.
i hate being angry, and jealous, and bitter.
they are mine, and you cannot have them. they are my friends, my heart, my life. they are mine.
i am livid that i am so broken.
i hate the feeling of my heart breaking into pieces, where i can feel it in my chest. i can feel it beating heavier, breathing gets harder, and my senses become weaker.
i hate carrying around the guilt (oh god the guilt), and the doubt, and the insecurities.
i want to love.. everyone. i want to be friend to.. everyone. i do not want to be enemy to a single one. i do not want to feel guilty, or sullen, or oppressive.
my hope rests in you. it will come again. and before it does, you will mend me. you will break, bend, and shape me.
i shall become myself, once again. but not without you. not without your help, my father, my friend.
"so kiss me, kiss me, life is too short to scream and shout"
Saturday, January 24, 2009
animals were gone.
I know I've been a liar and I know I've been a fool
I hope we didn't break yet, but I'm glad we broke the rules
My cave is deep now, yet your light is shining through
I cover my eyes, still all I see is you
Oh I know that I left you in places of despair
Oh I know that I love you, so please throw down your hair
At night I trip without you, and hope I don't wake up
'Cause waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup
I hope we didn't break yet, but I'm glad we broke the rules
My cave is deep now, yet your light is shining through
I cover my eyes, still all I see is you
Oh I know that I left you in places of despair
Oh I know that I love you, so please throw down your hair
At night I trip without you, and hope I don't wake up
'Cause waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup
Friday, January 16, 2009
what would jesus do, for real?
so today i watched this episode of 'wife swap' ..yes i know, a little embarrassing, let's blame one rebecca ANN osborne for doing this to me.
anyways, it was pretty appealing to me because the two families were christians, i think one was lutheran and the other may of been methodist (not completely important either way).. but neither family found shame in the fact that they chose to live according to the word of God and apply it to every aspect of their lives.
sounds wonderful up to this point, right? there probably wont be much fighting or disagreeing between the husbands and their new wives, like there would be between say.. a strict and conservative mormon family and some ultra liberal hippies with openly gay children.
but no, no, hell no. there was conflict galore!
the catch was.. one family consisted of the typical, conservative and traditional roles of a christian family living in the bible belt. the husband went to work every day and used the phrases "gatekeeper" and "watchman on the wall" several thousand times throughout the course of the episode (though, clearly, he had no idea the historical context and/or what those phrases really mean). and the wife stayed home with her kids, homeschooled them, had the dinner on the table for when the gatekeeper got home from work, and referred to herself as her husbands "helpmate" while wholeheartedly believing that a womans only calling in life is to wait on the husband and raise the children (god forbid a free thinking woman who has a career!)
the husband from the other family assumed the role of the other side of this all too familiar battle. he held three masters degrees and a phd, all in theological studies and biblical history of some sort. he was usually seen making a mockery of "bible thumpers" as he called them, praying over dinner in a theatrical and sarcastic fashion, and talking about how many times he had been burned by the conservative christians in the world who stuck way too closely to the infalliable and literal interpretation of the scriptures. his wife was a strong working woman, who read her bible daily but believed it should not be taken too literally and that women were clearly just as strong as men in today's society.
all this to say.. it once again got me thinking about the different sides in this war we call christianity and i was left wondering.. what's the point, really?
after the liberal husband got a little hysterical about how he could never trust a fundamentalist ever again, he said this (or something close to it): "why can't you just look past my sin and see me as a human being? just accept me for what i am, and love my heart despite what you think might be sinful or not"
that really is the end all to be all in this issue, i think. why can't we just accept each other? why can't both sides of this battle put up their white flags and try to come to understand the basics of christianity? it was meant to be counter-cultural, it was meant to be revolutionary, it was meant to teach love and acceptance and justice to all men, all women, all ages, all races.
what started as such a life-changing way to look at the world has turned into judgment and rules and manipulation. to the point that we have two families who read the same book and attend the same types of churches.. but are completely different and just cannot see eye to eye.
why does it have to be a battle of who's right, and who's not.. why can't we just accept one another and live in harmony with each other? i mean, i hate to sound unitarian (since that would be seen as sinful where i come from), but can't we all just coexist? is that so much to ask?
that's what i'm going to do. i just want to love and accept. no matter how much book knowledge you might have or how out of context you take the scriptures. i'm just going to love, regardless. isn't that what jesus would do, anyway?
anyways, it was pretty appealing to me because the two families were christians, i think one was lutheran and the other may of been methodist (not completely important either way).. but neither family found shame in the fact that they chose to live according to the word of God and apply it to every aspect of their lives.
sounds wonderful up to this point, right? there probably wont be much fighting or disagreeing between the husbands and their new wives, like there would be between say.. a strict and conservative mormon family and some ultra liberal hippies with openly gay children.
but no, no, hell no. there was conflict galore!
the catch was.. one family consisted of the typical, conservative and traditional roles of a christian family living in the bible belt. the husband went to work every day and used the phrases "gatekeeper" and "watchman on the wall" several thousand times throughout the course of the episode (though, clearly, he had no idea the historical context and/or what those phrases really mean). and the wife stayed home with her kids, homeschooled them, had the dinner on the table for when the gatekeeper got home from work, and referred to herself as her husbands "helpmate" while wholeheartedly believing that a womans only calling in life is to wait on the husband and raise the children (god forbid a free thinking woman who has a career!)
the husband from the other family assumed the role of the other side of this all too familiar battle. he held three masters degrees and a phd, all in theological studies and biblical history of some sort. he was usually seen making a mockery of "bible thumpers" as he called them, praying over dinner in a theatrical and sarcastic fashion, and talking about how many times he had been burned by the conservative christians in the world who stuck way too closely to the infalliable and literal interpretation of the scriptures. his wife was a strong working woman, who read her bible daily but believed it should not be taken too literally and that women were clearly just as strong as men in today's society.
all this to say.. it once again got me thinking about the different sides in this war we call christianity and i was left wondering.. what's the point, really?
after the liberal husband got a little hysterical about how he could never trust a fundamentalist ever again, he said this (or something close to it): "why can't you just look past my sin and see me as a human being? just accept me for what i am, and love my heart despite what you think might be sinful or not"
that really is the end all to be all in this issue, i think. why can't we just accept each other? why can't both sides of this battle put up their white flags and try to come to understand the basics of christianity? it was meant to be counter-cultural, it was meant to be revolutionary, it was meant to teach love and acceptance and justice to all men, all women, all ages, all races.
what started as such a life-changing way to look at the world has turned into judgment and rules and manipulation. to the point that we have two families who read the same book and attend the same types of churches.. but are completely different and just cannot see eye to eye.
why does it have to be a battle of who's right, and who's not.. why can't we just accept one another and live in harmony with each other? i mean, i hate to sound unitarian (since that would be seen as sinful where i come from), but can't we all just coexist? is that so much to ask?
that's what i'm going to do. i just want to love and accept. no matter how much book knowledge you might have or how out of context you take the scriptures. i'm just going to love, regardless. isn't that what jesus would do, anyway?
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
masks.
i wrote this awhile ago as a fb note, but i wanted to save it here too.
i have spent 5 years in the christian church, and 3 at a pentecostal college (in the religion department, no doubt!).. and still i wonder if we are so far away from what the call to live holy lives really means. why have i spent so many years in this world and still not know what it means to truly live in freedom? why must there be so many more negative marks? are we completely missing it?
are we the ones living in an oppressed community, with a lack of freedom? do we constantly focus on the people outside of our circle as the ones who are in need of this so called freedom and peace... when we are the ones who have really never tasted or felt what freedom is, in the purest sense?
we preach our salvation through the cross, but we never take it any further than that. just past the cross is the danger of the church and the oppression of religion. we take up the cause of the modern church, not the message of jesus and we become slaves to the law and restriction, guilt and judgment.
how is it that we can be so wrapped up in this law? why are we more concerned with the soul of someone who has a beer every once in awhile, or someone who asks a few questions about their faith in order to find more truth.. than with those who are lying naked in a sewer, dying in the most humiliating and painful way because no one gave a damn about them? because we were all too busy worrying about who's sleeping in on a sunday morning instead of going to church.
are we the ones in captivity?
are we the victims?
are we the poor and the destitute?
are we wandering in the desert?
where the hell did we get this idea that we were the chosen ones? we were the strong and the lucky ones? and all we really have to do is feel sorry for those who are "less fortunate" than us when we watch an emotionally charged video about children in africa and then throw a few dollars into an offering plate.
will there ever truly be freedom in this paradox that we call christianity? i have seen more love and freedom in these people that i call believers, but i have also seen the most judgment and the most bitterness.. the hardest of hearts. i cannot find a balance in the two, it doesn't make sense.
do we really love others, or can we just do a really good impression of love? do we even realize what we're singing to god, or are we incredibly conditioned to raise our hands and sing the loudest? why is it that some of the "greatest" christians are the most hateful and invulnerable people.. and vise versa.
are our eyes blind?
where is truth? where are answers? why are we still so far? what would jesus think?
why do we just continue to bring shame to the name of something that was meant to be so counter-cultural, so different, so unique. something that called us to love the poor and feed the hungry and clothe the naked. is this why we celebrate people like mother teresa? this must be why we find such a hero in a woman like her, because that is what we all desire to be, but only a few can actually find love in a life like hers.
is it possible? can it be done? can we break the chains of others while we struggle with our own?
are we just wearing masks? or is this how it was supposed to be?
i have spent 5 years in the christian church, and 3 at a pentecostal college (in the religion department, no doubt!).. and still i wonder if we are so far away from what the call to live holy lives really means. why have i spent so many years in this world and still not know what it means to truly live in freedom? why must there be so many more negative marks? are we completely missing it?
are we the ones living in an oppressed community, with a lack of freedom? do we constantly focus on the people outside of our circle as the ones who are in need of this so called freedom and peace... when we are the ones who have really never tasted or felt what freedom is, in the purest sense?
we preach our salvation through the cross, but we never take it any further than that. just past the cross is the danger of the church and the oppression of religion. we take up the cause of the modern church, not the message of jesus and we become slaves to the law and restriction, guilt and judgment.
how is it that we can be so wrapped up in this law? why are we more concerned with the soul of someone who has a beer every once in awhile, or someone who asks a few questions about their faith in order to find more truth.. than with those who are lying naked in a sewer, dying in the most humiliating and painful way because no one gave a damn about them? because we were all too busy worrying about who's sleeping in on a sunday morning instead of going to church.
are we the ones in captivity?
are we the victims?
are we the poor and the destitute?
are we wandering in the desert?
where the hell did we get this idea that we were the chosen ones? we were the strong and the lucky ones? and all we really have to do is feel sorry for those who are "less fortunate" than us when we watch an emotionally charged video about children in africa and then throw a few dollars into an offering plate.
will there ever truly be freedom in this paradox that we call christianity? i have seen more love and freedom in these people that i call believers, but i have also seen the most judgment and the most bitterness.. the hardest of hearts. i cannot find a balance in the two, it doesn't make sense.
do we really love others, or can we just do a really good impression of love? do we even realize what we're singing to god, or are we incredibly conditioned to raise our hands and sing the loudest? why is it that some of the "greatest" christians are the most hateful and invulnerable people.. and vise versa.
are our eyes blind?
where is truth? where are answers? why are we still so far? what would jesus think?
why do we just continue to bring shame to the name of something that was meant to be so counter-cultural, so different, so unique. something that called us to love the poor and feed the hungry and clothe the naked. is this why we celebrate people like mother teresa? this must be why we find such a hero in a woman like her, because that is what we all desire to be, but only a few can actually find love in a life like hers.
is it possible? can it be done? can we break the chains of others while we struggle with our own?
are we just wearing masks? or is this how it was supposed to be?
the beautiful unknown.
life is truly such a huge giant question mark at this point.
what do i know to be true?
i am leaving for israel march 12. i love my friends more than anything. working at perry's makes me crazy. i am graduating in december. i am terrified of online classes and the fact that my DR teacher thinks i'm in lakeland and can go to a meeting with him this week. i have no idea what i'm doing. my appetite is starting to come back.
what don't i know?
what happens after israel. do i move to lakeland, or go back to atlanta for the summer, or come home, or do an internship or go overseas? should i start studying for the GRE? should i apply to schools for fall 2010? do i want to get my MSW or do clinical or counseling? or do i just want to move away and work in the slums or in some remote village? am i going to meet someone? am i going to fall in love again? are my friends going to be okay?
i feel like the HUGE things are the question marks. the things i know to be true are completely trivial and don't really matter that much.
i am afraid of forgetting about doing my school work.
i am afraid of my DR class.
i am looking so forward to my first visit to lakeland, and the day we leave for israel.
actually.. i LOVE the unknown.
i love that my life is a question mark. i love that i have options. i love that i dream. i love that i have goals but nothing in stone. i love that i can do whatever i want and go wherever i want.
and for so long i felt bad about all of that. i thought i needed a plan and concrete and absolutes. i thought i wasn't mature because i didn't. i felt bad. i don't want to feel bad about it. because, i truly love those things about myself.
i love being young.
i love being single.
this is a good place to be. i have such a horizon. so much unknown and i cannot wait to dive straight into it.
but i really do have anxiety about that DR class. ugh. that needs to peace out immediately. i was not born to be a student.
i can't wait to see what is in store :)
what do i know to be true?
i am leaving for israel march 12. i love my friends more than anything. working at perry's makes me crazy. i am graduating in december. i am terrified of online classes and the fact that my DR teacher thinks i'm in lakeland and can go to a meeting with him this week. i have no idea what i'm doing. my appetite is starting to come back.
what don't i know?
what happens after israel. do i move to lakeland, or go back to atlanta for the summer, or come home, or do an internship or go overseas? should i start studying for the GRE? should i apply to schools for fall 2010? do i want to get my MSW or do clinical or counseling? or do i just want to move away and work in the slums or in some remote village? am i going to meet someone? am i going to fall in love again? are my friends going to be okay?
i feel like the HUGE things are the question marks. the things i know to be true are completely trivial and don't really matter that much.
i am afraid of forgetting about doing my school work.
i am afraid of my DR class.
i am looking so forward to my first visit to lakeland, and the day we leave for israel.
actually.. i LOVE the unknown.
i love that my life is a question mark. i love that i have options. i love that i dream. i love that i have goals but nothing in stone. i love that i can do whatever i want and go wherever i want.
and for so long i felt bad about all of that. i thought i needed a plan and concrete and absolutes. i thought i wasn't mature because i didn't. i felt bad. i don't want to feel bad about it. because, i truly love those things about myself.
i love being young.
i love being single.
this is a good place to be. i have such a horizon. so much unknown and i cannot wait to dive straight into it.
but i really do have anxiety about that DR class. ugh. that needs to peace out immediately. i was not born to be a student.
i can't wait to see what is in store :)
Thursday, January 8, 2009
he writes these songs for me.
Don't hold yourself like that
You'll hurt your knees
I kissed your mouth and back
But that's all I need
Don't build your world around volcanoes melt you down
What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea
Don't throw yourself like that
In front of me
I kissed your mouth your back
Is that all you need?
Don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down
What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea
Is just what I'm going through
This is nothing new
No no just another phase of finding what I really need
Is what makes me bleed
And like a new disease she's still too young to treat
Like a distant tree
Volcanoes melt me down
She's still too young
I kissed your mouth
You do not need me
You'll hurt your knees
I kissed your mouth and back
But that's all I need
Don't build your world around volcanoes melt you down
What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea
Don't throw yourself like that
In front of me
I kissed your mouth your back
Is that all you need?
Don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down
What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea
Is just what I'm going through
This is nothing new
No no just another phase of finding what I really need
Is what makes me bleed
And like a new disease she's still too young to treat
Like a distant tree
Volcanoes melt me down
She's still too young
I kissed your mouth
You do not need me
Sunday, January 4, 2009
queenie.
benjamin button was the best movie i have seen in a long, long time. i cried. i laughed. i pondered love and life and meaning. it was incredible.. chock full of great quotes and awe-inspiring moments. i didn’t even notice that it was three hours either.. i was so caught up in his story.
also, the part where he is on the motorcycle with a leather jacket and aviators.. worth it all.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
nine crimes.
Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be cheating on you
It's the wrong time
She's pulling me through
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be cheating on you
It's the wrong time
She's pulling me through
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse
Thursday, January 1, 2009
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