fabulous.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.

-Carrie Bradshaw

rescue is coming.

When I was nearly taken away, I called out to you and you rescued me from my darkest hours.

Jonah 2:2

ravish me.

Batter my heart, three-personed God; for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.

I, like an usurped town, to another due,
Labor to admit you, but O, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
but is captived, and proves weak or untrue.

yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy.

Divorce me, untie or break that knot again;
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor even chaste, except you ravish me.

rootless

What I want from you is empty your head
They say be true, don't stay in your bed
We do what we need to be free
And it leans on me like a rootless tree

What I want from us is empty our minds
We fake the thoughts, and fracture the times
We go blind when we've needed to see
And this leans on me, like a rootless...

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
There's nothing in you
And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good
That you just let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out
Hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out

What I want from this
Is learn to let go
No not of you
Of all that's been told
Killers re-invent and believe
And this leans on me, like a rootless...

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
There's nothing in you
And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good
That you just let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you're around

belief?

belief is a beautiful armor
but makes for the heaviest sword
like punching underwater
you never can hit who you're trying for
some lead the exhibition
and some have to know they tried
it's the chemical weapon
for the war that's raging on inside
oh, everyone believes
from emptiness to everything
oh, everyone believes
and no one's going quietly

we're never gonna win the world
we're never gonna stop the war
we're never gonna beat this
if belief is what we're fighting for

where are you, love?

i want it.

so badly.

my bones ache for it. my heart cries out for it. my mind spends countless hours attempting to wrap itself around the idea of it. my soul is in constant pursuit of unearthing what it really means and how it really feels.

i just want to hold it. i want to wrap myself up in it. i want to bottle it up and pass it out to everyone i meet.

but where is it? what is it? how does it look and where can it be found? have i ever truly tasted and seen? have i had it in my possession and let it slip through my grasp too quickly? was it stolen from me?

is it in the faces of those indian babies?

is it all stuck within the wrinkles of mother teresa's hands?

did it die with jesus and get buried with the apostles?

does it hover in an abusive home? does it sleep next to a crying child and a terrified mother?

is it hidden in the words of the church fathers? held together with a cover and a spine and housed on dusty library shelves?

is it there with those who have never heard it's voice? the orphans, the widows, the broken and neglected.

does it linger in the melody of a grand piano? is it found in a painting? held captive by poems?

or is it in you? in me? underneath all the dirt and grime and scar tissue?

do we truly know what it means, or are we just fakes. do we just play pretend, and write it out on birthday cards and anniversary flowers.. just words, written so many millions of times before, empty of all meaning and gratification.

this is my desire, to know the answers. to spend my life in search of the answers. to not tire, or relent, or forget. i want to know. i want to feel. i want to be real.

i have got to find life. somewhere. somehow.

i can't just be this girl anymore. i can't just be a part of the problem. there is a solution, there is an answer, and i will find it.

oh God, we have so much to do.

yeah we just might feel good.

She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty,
And I think my head is caving in

And I don't know if I've ever really been loved
By the hand that's touched me,
I feel like somethings gonna give,
And I'm a little bit angry.

She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me
And I don't why you couldn't just stay with me
You couldn't stand to be near me,
When my face don't seem to want to shine cause it's a little bit dirty.

unfinished sentences.

should i stay?

my heart is being divided in two directions.

niceville.
lakeland.

past.
present.

future?

who knows.

independence, an apartment, friendships, starbucks and/or geico, late nights, weekend parties.

but at the same time

people i need to escape, a place i need to avoid, the campus that will slowly crush my spirit again. no security of a job, no promise of fun times, an apartment that wont be completely mine.

but here there is money to save, friendships at home, spiritual growth, living the niceville dream.

my soul needs to heal. a thousand times over. and i feel like it can only really be done here, at home, in the place where so many memories reside. i don't want to see him, i don't want to see her, i don't want to share a city and risk seeing their happiness while i am still not okay.

i need to be away. 412 miles away.

but my friends are there. and the life i want to live is there. and the people i want to be with are there.

oh, decisions. my worst enemy and my closest friend all wrapped up in one terrifying idea.

a letter to you.

you're kind of pathetic.

you yearn and cry and ache for someone to be there for you. you still let a revealing facebook status knock the wind out of your lungs, and you think it a travesty that such a great love was lost. you feel like you need revenge, you need to look better, you need to be the winner. you give and give and give.. receiving nothing in return. you fight and you complain and you demand some credit for what a good person you are.

why can't you live without him? why can't you just get the hell over it, move on, walk away, and finally let yourself believe that you are better without him. you're better than him. you deserve something else, something that fits you better, something that makes you more complete. so what if she has him now. you don't want him. you just want someone to love you, you want someone to be there for you, you want someone to tell you you're beautiful and you're lovely and you're smart and you're unique.

but she was right. he wont do that anymore. he wont keep your preciousness anymore; he wont be the one anymore.

is it really such a loss?

is it really just like losing a dollar out of the seven or eight you already had?

honestly, did you really want him? no. did you really want to pretend like you were interested? no. did you want to compromise? no.

but you thought you did, and now you're left feeling rejected. you feel more unwanted and unlovely than you have your whole life. you feel worthless and disrespected and unloved and unacceptable. all he needed to do was dump you and then he would be free to find the girl of his dreams, the perfect one. the one who was everything you weren't. the one who had every fucking thing that you didn't have and would never have. you couldn't be enough and wouldn't ever be good enough for him. she is everything and you are nothing. at least these are the things that run through your head everyday. you need to get away from them. these words will eat you alive and tear you to shreds. you wound yourself with them; you damage your heart with them. get away from them.

speak life.

speak truth.

you wanted to fight for it, you wanted to win. you wanted to prevail and prove that love truly does conquer all. but you couldn't do it. he couldn't do it. you were going down, and you knew that you were doomed. you were the one he dreamed of, and he was the one you tried to draw. but it couldn't and it wouldn't. it wasn't meant to be and you have got to move on. you have got to get over it. you have got to live.

live.

just live.

one day you'll know true love. a love that wont turn your eyes from your first love... a love that wont make you feel bad about the person you are... a love that will truly conquer all and be all consuming.

focus on your First Love. focus on the people who will fight for you until the end, those who wont walk away, who would never dream of dropping you like it's hot and treating you like shit. you've got it so good. you've got support, you've got true love. your true loves are the osbornes, and your niceville girls, and erin, danielle, mandy, aaron, matt, beth, garrett, joe. they will love you through everything. they would never say you aren't good enough. they would never make you feel like you're not perfect or intelligent or funny.

neither will He. turn your eyes upon jesus and don't look back. he will catch you when you fall. he will support you. he will love you. he will be your strength and your shield.

just love him, like john said. return to him and tear your eyes away from the idol you've made. He will cleanse you. He will be like the dew in the morning, a rain that washes every stain and every speck of dirt away. He will refresh and romance. He will renew.

He is the love you are looking for.

He is the acceptance you need.

He is all that you need.

i'm not sorry

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...

don't beat your head, dry your eyes

i am going to be renewed; a shiny new penny.

i am not that girl who begged you to stay. i am not the girl who projected every feeling of inadequacy upon you and forced you to listen to my whining and tears while clearly you never felt you could do the same with me. i will not be her anymore. i will be stronger; i will be more put together; i will live without you.

go on, whisper to her all the same things you said to me. use the same poems for all i care. the spanish, the starbucks dates, the countless hours of philosophical banter and debate. she wont be different. you'll see that she wont be good enough for you. sooner or later; you'll unearth the flaws and the baggage she carries through life and you'll suddenly need more, you'll need something more appealing or more interesting or more focused upon you. she wont be enough. nothing is ever enough.

or will she be?

was it me? was it just me who wasn't good enough; who couldn't satisfy? who couldn't offer enough? just my entire life.. i mean, sure, that's just not enough. you needed more. i get that. i don't want to hear the bullshit anymore. i don't want to hear the excuses, the tired apologies and the hours upon hours of why i'm never good enough. reason after reason of why i shouldn't be allowed to exist as a person; why NOTHING could satisfy and nothing could please. i've heard it all my life. i've believed it all my life. but i never believed that you would make me feel that way.

i wonder if you talk about me. i wonder if she knows about our piano practices and the bleachers. what i really wonder, though, is if this is just you trying to escape from being alone? or are you really happy? is it the same thing that you did with me right after breaking up with the girl before me.. or do you really not care enough to grieve at least a little longer for the love we lost? were you really over it the week after it ended? or were you over it before it ended?

all these questions have been rolling around in my head for the past two months and they have got to stop.

i cannot be this person anymore.

i cannot let you control me. i am strong. i am able. i am good enough. i am worth something. i am smart. i am not worse than you.

for so long i needed you to believe those things; but in the end does it really matter? i know that i believe them, and i have people that surround me with love and believe them as well. that is what counts.

i lost something in losing you. i lost a friend; a partner; a support; a rock. but i will be okay. i will continue breathing. life goes on. life goes on.

so for now i say goodbye, my dear friend. you will forever be in my heart and i will never stop loving you. i wish you the world, for i know that you will embrace it with open arms and you will stop at nothing to give all that you have to it. be happy and be real.. live life for all that it is. don't forget me, and i swear i wont forget you. we owe that much to us, i think.

bullshit.

You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends
Pontificating to each other
Forever competing for that one moment of self-aggrandizing glory
In which you hog the intellectual spotlight
Holding dominion over the entire shallow pointless conversation

Oh, we're not worthy
When you walk by a group of quote-unquote normal people
You chuckle to yourself patting yourself on the back as you scoff
It's the same superiority complex
Shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living hell
And makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma
You spend every moment of your waking life bitching about

oh my god

Oh my God, look around this place
Your fingers reach around the bone
You set the break and set the tone
Flights of grace, and future falls
In present pain
All fools say, "Oh my God"
Oh my God, Why are we so afraid?
We make it worse when we don't bleed
There is no cure for our disease
Turn a phrase, and rise again
Or fake your death and only tell your closest friend

Oh my God.
Oh my God, can I complain?
You take away my firm belief and graft my soul upon your grief
Weddings, boats and alibis
All drift away, and a mother cries
Liars and fools; sons and failures

Thieves will always say
Lost and found; ailing wanderers
Healers always say
Whores and angels; men with problems
Leavers always say
Broken hearted; separated
Orphans always say
War creators; racial haters
Preachers always say
Distant fathers; fallen warriors
Givers always say
Pilgrim saints; lonely widows
Users always say
Fearful mothers; watchful doubters
Saviors always say
Sometimes I cannot forgive

And these days, mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep
While I lay, I dream we're better,
Scales were gone and faces light
When we wake, we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other
Sometimes I can close my eyes,
And all the fear that keeps me silent falls below my heavy breathing,
What makes me so badly bent?

We all have a chance to murder
We all feel the need for wonder
We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the thunder
Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to make of heaven
All the times I thought to reach up
All the times I had to give
Babies underneath their beds
Hospitals that cannot treat all the wounds that money causes,
All the comforts of cathedrals
All the cries of thirsty children - this is our inheritance
All the rage of watching mothers - this is our greatest offense

Oh my God
Oh my God
Oh my God

i think these monks had it right.

“All through the Verba Seniorum we find a repeated instance on the primacy of love over everything else in the spiritual life: over knowledge, gnosis, asceticism, contemplation, solitude, prayer. Love in fact IS the spiritual life, and without it all the other exercises of the spirit, however lofty, are emptied of content and become mere illusions. The more lofty they are, the more dangerous the illusion.

“Love, of course, means something much more that mere sentiment, much more than token favors and perfunctory almsdeeds. Love means an interior and spiritual identification with one’s brother, so that he is not regarded as an “object” to which one “does good.” The fact is that good done to another as to an object is of little or no spiritual value. Love takes one’s neighbor as one’s other self, and loves him with all the immense humility and discretion and reserve and reverence without which no one can presume to enter into the sanctuary of another’s subjectivity.”

Thomas Merton

mercy.

you're not guilty anymore
you're not filthy anymore
i love you
mercy is yours

the gulf of mexico.

its very funny to me how i have sat through classes with the most intelligent professors and listened to the most passionate preachers, and i find myself learning more from a bunch of teenagers who have never left the comfort of the youth group they grew up in.

this summer- this internship- is the most awkward, uncomfortable, and seemingly unnecessary thing i have ever done voluntarily. but it is already the most rewarding.

they say that you can never fully learn a career, or anything for that matter, by sitting in a classroom. you must experience to learn and discover yourself, for experience is the best teacher available.

i have never known anything to be this true.

i am learning things that i have either never realized or never had the strength to unearth and accept about myself. i am being faced with the gross reality of life, of growing up, of becoming an adult. i am forced to deal with my insecurities and my shortcomings. the things i have wanted for so long to change about my personality and my attitude are being thrown in my face and now i can do nothing but confront them head-on and deal with them.

my passion for ministry is being renewed. and whats more- my desire for youth ministry (which i never thought i would say after starting college)

my desire for relationship and truth and purpose is being strengthened.

the hardest part though.. i am caught in the in between. i am no longer a youth, but i am not an adult. i am not a student but i am not yet a leader. i cannot call myself a peer of these kids but i don't feel like i can sit at the grown up table just yet. i can taste adulthood as i approach my 20th birthday, but i can feel and see childhood as clear as day. this is by far the weirdest stage of my life- in the weirdest place of my life, with not much to support me.

i am painfully awkward and hopelessly inadequate.. but i must transition. and when normally i would brush it aside and lean on my friends, i now have to face the music. i am terrified of making the jump. i feel like i am living in a constant paradox because i admire these people that i have the privileged of working with so much.. perhaps more than any group of leaders i have ever served under. i am honored to call them my team and to be a part of this ministry and their vision. but, i am so incredibly intimidated by them. my insecurities are getting the best of me once again and for some reason, i can't be myself. i want them to be a part of what god is speaking to me and what i'm learning through them and this experience, but there is something lacking. is it time? or age? or gender? or personality? i don't know. i wish i could figure it out and get over it.

i need affirmation. i need guidance and accountability. i need to talk and go deeper than just a surface relationship.

i am torn. i am growing, though. my one goal for this experience was to be able to honestly say at the end of everything "that was the greatest experience of my life" and so far- it is one of them.

we will see what the rest of the summer holds. hopefully i will pull it together and be able to stop being such a wimp. all i truly know is that the lord is faithful and has been so good to me. i don't want to waste the time he has given me here and the people that are available for me to learn from. i will come out of this stronger.

may this be said of me one day.

"His love for the Person of Christ was so intense that it threatened to consume him. It burned within him as a sweet and holy madness and flowed from his lips like molten gold." -a.w. tozer of frederick faber.

may you flow out of me like a precious treasure that those around me are compelled to dig up and find for themselves. may your presence in my being be gold that people rush to, because of the sheer beauty and joy that exists in you. may your love and your spirit become a burning fire within my bones, within the deepest parts of me, within my very soul. may my heart beat with your heart, my passions collide with yours, and your very essence become embedded into me.

try, try again.

i am tired.

tired of the ordinary. tired of the routine. tired of the same songs, same clothes, same route.

i am tired of being lackadaisical. apparently sometime last semester i gave up. i stopped trying.. i got so tired of everything and just decided to say "f that" to pretty much all of life. which is so unlike me.. i have always tried. i've always tried to be involved and to grow and to listen and to become better than the current state of kristi.

but, i stopped trying.

and that makes me so mad.

i honestly don't even know how to start trying again. i don't know how to pick up my bible again. i don't know how to open my mouth and cry out to my father. i don't know how to speak what i'm feeling and feel what i'm speaking. i don't know how to shut up and listen. i don't know how to open my eyes to the world.. to people.. to this life that i am living.

i probably don't know how because i lost the desire to know how.

i can feel the desire returning. i can feel it running back to me and all i can do is open my arms and embrace it with all that i am. like a long awaited hug that you give to someone you haven't seen in months. like looking forward to something for so long and then finally experiencing that event.

paint my heart with desire. shower me with longing for you, and for truth, and for the ability to try. i cannot do anything on my own- but only by the grace that you give so freely. i can only do what you allow me to do, and i know that you want me to try.

my desire is to live fully alive once more. to run without growing weary. to fly on the wings of eagles. to be who i was created to be once again.

from this moment on, i will try. i will fail over and over- this is true- but i will try with all that i am.

love has come.

how long you have traveled in darkness weeping
no rest in language, no words to speak
but there in the wreckage beneath bricks and bindings
love has come, love has come for you

against the night sky of your waiting
your face is like starlight when he walks in
everything worth keeping comes through dying
love has come, love has come for you

so lift up your heart now, to this unfolding
all that has been broken will be restored
here runs deep waters for all who are thirsty
love has come, love has come for you

ten thousand angels will light your pathway
until the day breaks fully in the East
they will surround you and make your way straight
love has come, love has come for you
love has come, love has come for you