where are you, love?

i want it.

so badly.

my bones ache for it. my heart cries out for it. my mind spends countless hours attempting to wrap itself around the idea of it. my soul is in constant pursuit of unearthing what it really means and how it really feels.

i just want to hold it. i want to wrap myself up in it. i want to bottle it up and pass it out to everyone i meet.

but where is it? what is it? how does it look and where can it be found? have i ever truly tasted and seen? have i had it in my possession and let it slip through my grasp too quickly? was it stolen from me?

is it in the faces of those indian babies?

is it all stuck within the wrinkles of mother teresa's hands?

did it die with jesus and get buried with the apostles?

does it hover in an abusive home? does it sleep next to a crying child and a terrified mother?

is it hidden in the words of the church fathers? held together with a cover and a spine and housed on dusty library shelves?

is it there with those who have never heard it's voice? the orphans, the widows, the broken and neglected.

does it linger in the melody of a grand piano? is it found in a painting? held captive by poems?

or is it in you? in me? underneath all the dirt and grime and scar tissue?

do we truly know what it means, or are we just fakes. do we just play pretend, and write it out on birthday cards and anniversary flowers.. just words, written so many millions of times before, empty of all meaning and gratification.

this is my desire, to know the answers. to spend my life in search of the answers. to not tire, or relent, or forget. i want to know. i want to feel. i want to be real.

i have got to find life. somewhere. somehow.

i can't just be this girl anymore. i can't just be a part of the problem. there is a solution, there is an answer, and i will find it.

oh God, we have so much to do.