try, try again.

i am tired.

tired of the ordinary. tired of the routine. tired of the same songs, same clothes, same route.

i am tired of being lackadaisical. apparently sometime last semester i gave up. i stopped trying.. i got so tired of everything and just decided to say "f that" to pretty much all of life. which is so unlike me.. i have always tried. i've always tried to be involved and to grow and to listen and to become better than the current state of kristi.

but, i stopped trying.

and that makes me so mad.

i honestly don't even know how to start trying again. i don't know how to pick up my bible again. i don't know how to open my mouth and cry out to my father. i don't know how to speak what i'm feeling and feel what i'm speaking. i don't know how to shut up and listen. i don't know how to open my eyes to the world.. to people.. to this life that i am living.

i probably don't know how because i lost the desire to know how.

i can feel the desire returning. i can feel it running back to me and all i can do is open my arms and embrace it with all that i am. like a long awaited hug that you give to someone you haven't seen in months. like looking forward to something for so long and then finally experiencing that event.

paint my heart with desire. shower me with longing for you, and for truth, and for the ability to try. i cannot do anything on my own- but only by the grace that you give so freely. i can only do what you allow me to do, and i know that you want me to try.

my desire is to live fully alive once more. to run without growing weary. to fly on the wings of eagles. to be who i was created to be once again.

from this moment on, i will try. i will fail over and over- this is true- but i will try with all that i am.