the gulf of mexico.

its very funny to me how i have sat through classes with the most intelligent professors and listened to the most passionate preachers, and i find myself learning more from a bunch of teenagers who have never left the comfort of the youth group they grew up in.

this summer- this internship- is the most awkward, uncomfortable, and seemingly unnecessary thing i have ever done voluntarily. but it is already the most rewarding.

they say that you can never fully learn a career, or anything for that matter, by sitting in a classroom. you must experience to learn and discover yourself, for experience is the best teacher available.

i have never known anything to be this true.

i am learning things that i have either never realized or never had the strength to unearth and accept about myself. i am being faced with the gross reality of life, of growing up, of becoming an adult. i am forced to deal with my insecurities and my shortcomings. the things i have wanted for so long to change about my personality and my attitude are being thrown in my face and now i can do nothing but confront them head-on and deal with them.

my passion for ministry is being renewed. and whats more- my desire for youth ministry (which i never thought i would say after starting college)

my desire for relationship and truth and purpose is being strengthened.

the hardest part though.. i am caught in the in between. i am no longer a youth, but i am not an adult. i am not a student but i am not yet a leader. i cannot call myself a peer of these kids but i don't feel like i can sit at the grown up table just yet. i can taste adulthood as i approach my 20th birthday, but i can feel and see childhood as clear as day. this is by far the weirdest stage of my life- in the weirdest place of my life, with not much to support me.

i am painfully awkward and hopelessly inadequate.. but i must transition. and when normally i would brush it aside and lean on my friends, i now have to face the music. i am terrified of making the jump. i feel like i am living in a constant paradox because i admire these people that i have the privileged of working with so much.. perhaps more than any group of leaders i have ever served under. i am honored to call them my team and to be a part of this ministry and their vision. but, i am so incredibly intimidated by them. my insecurities are getting the best of me once again and for some reason, i can't be myself. i want them to be a part of what god is speaking to me and what i'm learning through them and this experience, but there is something lacking. is it time? or age? or gender? or personality? i don't know. i wish i could figure it out and get over it.

i need affirmation. i need guidance and accountability. i need to talk and go deeper than just a surface relationship.

i am torn. i am growing, though. my one goal for this experience was to be able to honestly say at the end of everything "that was the greatest experience of my life" and so far- it is one of them.

we will see what the rest of the summer holds. hopefully i will pull it together and be able to stop being such a wimp. all i truly know is that the lord is faithful and has been so good to me. i don't want to waste the time he has given me here and the people that are available for me to learn from. i will come out of this stronger.