isaiah 54:4-10

i haven't felt scripture like this in a long, long time. this chapter (and those surrounding it) pierced my heart and soul today. it's as if god was sitting next to me at my kitchen table whispering the words into my ear.. i could feel them that much. it's such a good feeling to experience. it reminds me that i'm not gone, i'm not done, i'm not that far. this is my favorite excerpt.


4 "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.

5 For your Maker is your husband—
the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.

6 The LORD will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected," says your God.

7 "For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.

8 In a surge of anger
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,"
says the LORD your Redeemer.

9 "To me this is like the days of Noah,
when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.
So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,
never to rebuke you again.

10 Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

another day in perrydise.

so, i had two tables today right next to each other. they came in around the same time and ordered similar meals and drinks.

the first one was a man and his son, i'm assuming. the son was about my age and pretty cute.. they were both nice and easy to please.

the second was a son and his mother. the son was probably late twenties and called his mom "my momma" and was very loud and the most overly nice person i've probably ever waited on.

the son at the second table had some sort of social disability. i'm thinking it was probably mild autism or maybe just a personality disorder. i wasn't really sure. and it's times like these that i find myself wishing over and over that it would be acceptable to ask what type of disorder this man had, because i am so incredibly intrigued by things like this. though, if i had asked, he probably would of told me gladly.

anyways. here's the interesting part. the first table, with the man and his son, didn't really talk much. i walked by and checked on them and watched them.. they didn't really even look at each other. the son was texting the whole time and the dad was just chomping away at his seafood platter. they were perfectly happy and content just sitting, eating, not really talking.

the second table, with "momma" and her son, however, were so outgoing and friendly and as i watched them, they laughed with each other, talked about other family or friends, and shared stories. they held eye contact, they were warm, and their conversation was fun. though it was apparent that the son was slightly off.. there was so much love radiating towards his momma and towards life in general.

maybe the father and son were having a bad day, or maybe that's how they always are with each other, but the sadness of the situation hit me today.

they are perfectly healthy, but they weren't talking. they didn't have anything to say. they were closed in to themselves.

the second son, even with a disability, was full of love and joy and was so fascinated with everything around him. he treated his momma to lunch and then talked to me about red snapper for a few minutes.

there is something to this. there was something so different and so special about that man.

both tables left around the same time. i'll remember the second table.. but tomorrow i'll have ten more just like the first.

ladies.

i haven't really been able to write much of anything lately. maybe because of a lack of drama or heartbreak or anything incredibly interesting (except israel in t-minus 19)

i suppose that is a good thing. no news is good news, right?

for now, i just want to get this out:

i think, i know, that the thing i've been fighting and running from for the past few years is becoming my future. i am becoming hopelessly passionate about the things that i've hated and made fun of for two years. maybe not quite this literally.. but this is how it seems to me.

i've resented women and how incredibly sexist southeastern is, i've hated hearing about every girls longing for a white dress and a diamond and a life spent making pot roast and birthing children. i wanted nothing to do with it, any of it. i wanted to be different. i wanted to run away from the broken heart and passion i feel for women who seem to have no self-worth. i wanted to deny how even the tiniest mention of human trafficking and prostitution makes me cry.

but.. maybe there is something so much more significant in that.

my purpose in life is the most uncomfortable, inconvenient, and seemingly fruitless purpose that it could possibly be. and you know what?

i am in love with it.

and this may not make sense to anyone but me. hell, it doesn't make sense to me either.

all i really know is that there is something to that old proverb about telling god no.. because as soon as you do, he'll rewrite everything to center around that thing you denied.

writers block.

She yells, 'if you were homeless,
Sure as hell you'd be drunk
Or high or trying to get there
Or begging for junk
When people don't want you
They just throw you money for beer'

Her name was November
She went by Autumn or Fall
It was seven long years past
Since the Autumn when all
Of her nightmares grew fingers
And all of her dreams grew a tear

She's somebody's baby
Somebody's baby girl
She's somebody's baby
Somebody's baby girl
And she's somebody's baby still

She screams, 'well, if you never
Gone it alone
Well then go ahead, you better
Throw the first stone
You got one lonely stoner
Waiting to bring to her knees'

She dreams about heaven
Remembering hell
As a nightmare she visits
And knows all too well
Every now and again when she's sober
She brushes her teeth

Today was her birthday
Strangely enough
When the cops found her body
At the foot of the bluffs
This morning's anonymous call
Tipped off the police

They got her ID
From her dental remains
The same fillings intact
The same nicotine stains
The birth and the death were both over
With no one to grieve

for the record.

it's done and over.

and i'm ready to take my life and my heart and my wholeness back. in full. nothing missing, nothing lost.

just in time. i was beginning to think it would never happen.

procrastination.

so, i leave for israel in 23 days. i leave niceville in 19.

that is just not enough time.

i have to finish the book i'm almost done with for waddell. and then two more that i still don't have (i'm on my knees praying that they will get here tomorrow) i also need to hackett-style read ancient israel & judah and archaeology & the new testament.. which are the two that i was dreading the most, so i've avoided. then i need to write the summaries for those two.. and a 5-page review for each of waddell's books.

all the while, i need to keep up with the fettke online stuff and finish my last paper for him in the next two weeks. plus, i have to preach this week to the youth and possibly play piano. i have no idea how either of those are going to work out. good thing the kids love me regardless of my talent :) and my aunt and uncle are coming in sometime this week. stressful.

so because of all this, i just don't think i can possibly go to miami. which is really upsetting, because that means i wont get to see david until the cafaro/eller wedding extravaganza in june. but that's okay, because he's going to be my date and we are only going to dance with each other.

i really would love to see becca before i leave, but i don't know if i will.. depending on if she comes home for spring break and if i go to atlanta earlier than planned. actually, all i care about is going to the girltalk concert but no one is making plans with me so i'm just going to kiss that one goodbye.

the beauty of all of this is that i only have two more weeks at perry's and then i am home free.

and in 23 short days i will be on the longest plane ride of my life about to embark on the greatest journey of my life. and my hope is resting in that.

oh what a horribly boring post this was. oh well. i am a pretty boring gal, it's true.

life is a song.

You say life is a dream where we can't say what we mean
Maybe just some roadside scene that we're driving past
There's no telling where we'll be in a day or in a week
And there's no promises of peace or of happiness


Well is this why you cling to every little thing
And pulverize and derange all your senses
Maybe life is a song but you're scared to song along
Until the very ending


Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know
Ideas that strengthen who we've been
It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds
From the chains and shackles that they're in


Oh, tell me what good is saying that you're free
In a dark and storming sea
You're chained to your history, you're surely sinking fast
You say that you know that the good Lord's in control
He's gonna bless and keep your tired and oh so restless soul
But at the end of the day when every price has been paid
You're gonna rise and sit beside him on some old seat of gold
And won't you tell me why you live like you're afraid to die
You'll die like you're afraid to go


Well life is a dream cause we're all walking in our sleep
You could see us stand in lines like we're dead upon our feet
And we build our house of cards and then we wait for it to fall
Always forget how strange it is just to be alive at all

living in the parentheses.

i've been writing a lot lately. both publicly and privately. mostly privately, though. i've just always had this huge fear of people reading my words. words are everything to me. they romance my soul and pierce my heart and there is something about my own words that is just so immensely personal. i'm also just terrified of anyone judging me. that's probably my biggest problem.

the point is. i think it's about time that i get away from this lovely little quicksand trap i like to call niceville. my heart is so conflicted, because it's my roots and so many beautiful things are here. but at the same time.. i've always been so stagnant and so.. blaaaaaagh here (that's really the only way i can describe it.. even though i love them, sometimes words escape me) and i'm just not fulfilled at all. maybe it's me though.. i suppose i can't always blame it on poor innocent niceville. it's mainly my issue and my fear of ever letting myself be fully alive and completely embrace the moment. i wonder what it is that's keeping me that way? maybe it's heartbreak after heartbreak and repression after repression.. or maybe it's just distraction.. or fear. the good little psychology student in me is sure that it has something to do with my childhood (or lack thereof) and my incredible insecurity. the fact that i live in constant guilt for not keeping up with the rest of my family the way i want to, my fear of losing my dad or my brother, the pounds of baggage and scars from the death trap that was last semester, and the stress of never being good enough for someone to love me the way i yearn to be loved.

that is a tad dramatic, and so uncharacteristically vulnerable.

what i do know is that i am so sick of everyone asking me what i'm going to do with myself come december when i waltz across that stage and shake someone other than dr rutland's hand (oh my god it hadn't dawned on me yet that i don't get to shake his hand anymore!!!!!) and i'm mainly sick of this because it reminds me over and over again that i have no idea what the hell i'm going to do with a practical theology degree that i resent much more than you could ever know. all i really, truly want to do is travel and meet people, be with them, talk to them, and bring life back to them. it's all i think about and the only thing that really gets my blood a-pumpin'. but, i am a realist (for the most part) and i know that this is not a career nor does it pay the bills that are looming over my head as we speak. so, what is a girl to do? it's the classic "follow your heart and be poor VS. sell out and live comfortably" situation and frankly, my dear, i don't really feel the need to face the facts just yet. so, for a few more glorious months i will keep dreaming and avoiding the reality that is running towards me in the shape of a graduation hat.

israel is looking so perfect right now.

i am so incredibly excited.. i just want to stand in the middle of a crowded street with no shoes on and close my eyes and breathe in the jewishness that i can already feel. of course i will look ridiculous doing so being a 6 ft tall blonde who just used the word "jewishness", not to mention the no shoes thing. however, i don't really care.

i need to open my heart again. i need to be content.

and, that's all she wrote. plus, this little video which makes my heart smile endlessly.. no matter how many times i've watched it.

learned.

lessons learned in the past few months.

1. never again will i be involved with someone of the same major/career (and while we're at it, just no more theology anything, please)

2. "you aint gotta worry about them niggas. live life, shawty, you can do without them niggas" (ignore the racial slurs.. you get the point)

3. it's my life and i need to live it for myself. no one else should run it for me and no one else decides my self worth for me.

4. never go to a club again. (okay, this might not stick)

5. a genuine friendship cannot happen after a serious intimate relationship. bottom line, end of story. don't play with fire.

6. serving/perry's is so taxing on my soul. people are assholes and feel the need to be incredibly rude and cheap. and i can't say anything about it.

7. forgive, always. (already learned, but just reinforced)

8. alcohol is not all it's cracked up to be.

9. never leave the ones who are always by my side. fight for them forever, even if it hurts, and they will do the same for me.

10. sometimes the best thing is the hardest thing to do. in the end, though, its worth it.

11. be strong, but still be vulnerable.

12. god is real. so incredibly real.

wait for me.

i am coming undone. and i am ravished. i am in love.

but not with a man.

not with any one specific individual.

with an idea, a dream, a goal, a place, a group, a life.

and i am so helplessly passionate and driven to reach this goal, to fulfill this dream, to bring to life this idea.

the way most of my girlfriends pine for a husband and a child is the way i ache for this to be real. and they don't understand why i don't want a child, and why i don't really care about a husband. because i am consumed, i am compelled, i am desirous of this thing.

and it's not even tangible. it's not even sensible.

i am a serial dreamer.



"I’ve witnessed first hand the power of ideas, I’ve seen people kill in the name of them, and die defending them… but you cannot kiss an idea, cannot touch it, or hold it… ideas do not bleed, they do not feel pain, they do not love" -V for Vendetta.

i need to remind myself.

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.... It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more." -erica jong

kanye speaks to my heart.

To the hustlers, killers, murderers, drug dealers, even the strippers
Jesus walks with them

To the victims of Welfare, for we living in hell here
Jesus walks with them

Now hear ye hear ye, I want to see Thee more clearly
I know he hear me when my feet get weary

I ain't here to argue about his facial features
Or here to convert atheists into believers

I'm just trying to say the way school need teachers
The way Kathie Lee needed Regis that's the way I need Jesus