fabulous.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.

-Carrie Bradshaw

rescue is coming.

When I was nearly taken away, I called out to you and you rescued me from my darkest hours.

Jonah 2:2

ravish me.

Batter my heart, three-personed God; for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.

I, like an usurped town, to another due,
Labor to admit you, but O, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
but is captived, and proves weak or untrue.

yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy.

Divorce me, untie or break that knot again;
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor even chaste, except you ravish me.

rootless

What I want from you is empty your head
They say be true, don't stay in your bed
We do what we need to be free
And it leans on me like a rootless tree

What I want from us is empty our minds
We fake the thoughts, and fracture the times
We go blind when we've needed to see
And this leans on me, like a rootless...

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
There's nothing in you
And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good
That you just let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out
Hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out

What I want from this
Is learn to let go
No not of you
Of all that's been told
Killers re-invent and believe
And this leans on me, like a rootless...

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
There's nothing in you
And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good
That you just let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you're around

belief?

belief is a beautiful armor
but makes for the heaviest sword
like punching underwater
you never can hit who you're trying for
some lead the exhibition
and some have to know they tried
it's the chemical weapon
for the war that's raging on inside
oh, everyone believes
from emptiness to everything
oh, everyone believes
and no one's going quietly

we're never gonna win the world
we're never gonna stop the war
we're never gonna beat this
if belief is what we're fighting for

where are you, love?

i want it.

so badly.

my bones ache for it. my heart cries out for it. my mind spends countless hours attempting to wrap itself around the idea of it. my soul is in constant pursuit of unearthing what it really means and how it really feels.

i just want to hold it. i want to wrap myself up in it. i want to bottle it up and pass it out to everyone i meet.

but where is it? what is it? how does it look and where can it be found? have i ever truly tasted and seen? have i had it in my possession and let it slip through my grasp too quickly? was it stolen from me?

is it in the faces of those indian babies?

is it all stuck within the wrinkles of mother teresa's hands?

did it die with jesus and get buried with the apostles?

does it hover in an abusive home? does it sleep next to a crying child and a terrified mother?

is it hidden in the words of the church fathers? held together with a cover and a spine and housed on dusty library shelves?

is it there with those who have never heard it's voice? the orphans, the widows, the broken and neglected.

does it linger in the melody of a grand piano? is it found in a painting? held captive by poems?

or is it in you? in me? underneath all the dirt and grime and scar tissue?

do we truly know what it means, or are we just fakes. do we just play pretend, and write it out on birthday cards and anniversary flowers.. just words, written so many millions of times before, empty of all meaning and gratification.

this is my desire, to know the answers. to spend my life in search of the answers. to not tire, or relent, or forget. i want to know. i want to feel. i want to be real.

i have got to find life. somewhere. somehow.

i can't just be this girl anymore. i can't just be a part of the problem. there is a solution, there is an answer, and i will find it.

oh God, we have so much to do.

yeah we just might feel good.

She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty,
And I think my head is caving in

And I don't know if I've ever really been loved
By the hand that's touched me,
I feel like somethings gonna give,
And I'm a little bit angry.

She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me
And I don't why you couldn't just stay with me
You couldn't stand to be near me,
When my face don't seem to want to shine cause it's a little bit dirty.

unfinished sentences.

should i stay?

my heart is being divided in two directions.

niceville.
lakeland.

past.
present.

future?

who knows.

independence, an apartment, friendships, starbucks and/or geico, late nights, weekend parties.

but at the same time

people i need to escape, a place i need to avoid, the campus that will slowly crush my spirit again. no security of a job, no promise of fun times, an apartment that wont be completely mine.

but here there is money to save, friendships at home, spiritual growth, living the niceville dream.

my soul needs to heal. a thousand times over. and i feel like it can only really be done here, at home, in the place where so many memories reside. i don't want to see him, i don't want to see her, i don't want to share a city and risk seeing their happiness while i am still not okay.

i need to be away. 412 miles away.

but my friends are there. and the life i want to live is there. and the people i want to be with are there.

oh, decisions. my worst enemy and my closest friend all wrapped up in one terrifying idea.

a letter to you.

you're kind of pathetic.

you yearn and cry and ache for someone to be there for you. you still let a revealing facebook status knock the wind out of your lungs, and you think it a travesty that such a great love was lost. you feel like you need revenge, you need to look better, you need to be the winner. you give and give and give.. receiving nothing in return. you fight and you complain and you demand some credit for what a good person you are.

why can't you live without him? why can't you just get the hell over it, move on, walk away, and finally let yourself believe that you are better without him. you're better than him. you deserve something else, something that fits you better, something that makes you more complete. so what if she has him now. you don't want him. you just want someone to love you, you want someone to be there for you, you want someone to tell you you're beautiful and you're lovely and you're smart and you're unique.

but she was right. he wont do that anymore. he wont keep your preciousness anymore; he wont be the one anymore.

is it really such a loss?

is it really just like losing a dollar out of the seven or eight you already had?

honestly, did you really want him? no. did you really want to pretend like you were interested? no. did you want to compromise? no.

but you thought you did, and now you're left feeling rejected. you feel more unwanted and unlovely than you have your whole life. you feel worthless and disrespected and unloved and unacceptable. all he needed to do was dump you and then he would be free to find the girl of his dreams, the perfect one. the one who was everything you weren't. the one who had every fucking thing that you didn't have and would never have. you couldn't be enough and wouldn't ever be good enough for him. she is everything and you are nothing. at least these are the things that run through your head everyday. you need to get away from them. these words will eat you alive and tear you to shreds. you wound yourself with them; you damage your heart with them. get away from them.

speak life.

speak truth.

you wanted to fight for it, you wanted to win. you wanted to prevail and prove that love truly does conquer all. but you couldn't do it. he couldn't do it. you were going down, and you knew that you were doomed. you were the one he dreamed of, and he was the one you tried to draw. but it couldn't and it wouldn't. it wasn't meant to be and you have got to move on. you have got to get over it. you have got to live.

live.

just live.

one day you'll know true love. a love that wont turn your eyes from your first love... a love that wont make you feel bad about the person you are... a love that will truly conquer all and be all consuming.

focus on your First Love. focus on the people who will fight for you until the end, those who wont walk away, who would never dream of dropping you like it's hot and treating you like shit. you've got it so good. you've got support, you've got true love. your true loves are the osbornes, and your niceville girls, and erin, danielle, mandy, aaron, matt, beth, garrett, joe. they will love you through everything. they would never say you aren't good enough. they would never make you feel like you're not perfect or intelligent or funny.

neither will He. turn your eyes upon jesus and don't look back. he will catch you when you fall. he will support you. he will love you. he will be your strength and your shield.

just love him, like john said. return to him and tear your eyes away from the idol you've made. He will cleanse you. He will be like the dew in the morning, a rain that washes every stain and every speck of dirt away. He will refresh and romance. He will renew.

He is the love you are looking for.

He is the acceptance you need.

He is all that you need.

i'm not sorry

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...

don't beat your head, dry your eyes

i am going to be renewed; a shiny new penny.

i am not that girl who begged you to stay. i am not the girl who projected every feeling of inadequacy upon you and forced you to listen to my whining and tears while clearly you never felt you could do the same with me. i will not be her anymore. i will be stronger; i will be more put together; i will live without you.

go on, whisper to her all the same things you said to me. use the same poems for all i care. the spanish, the starbucks dates, the countless hours of philosophical banter and debate. she wont be different. you'll see that she wont be good enough for you. sooner or later; you'll unearth the flaws and the baggage she carries through life and you'll suddenly need more, you'll need something more appealing or more interesting or more focused upon you. she wont be enough. nothing is ever enough.

or will she be?

was it me? was it just me who wasn't good enough; who couldn't satisfy? who couldn't offer enough? just my entire life.. i mean, sure, that's just not enough. you needed more. i get that. i don't want to hear the bullshit anymore. i don't want to hear the excuses, the tired apologies and the hours upon hours of why i'm never good enough. reason after reason of why i shouldn't be allowed to exist as a person; why NOTHING could satisfy and nothing could please. i've heard it all my life. i've believed it all my life. but i never believed that you would make me feel that way.

i wonder if you talk about me. i wonder if she knows about our piano practices and the bleachers. what i really wonder, though, is if this is just you trying to escape from being alone? or are you really happy? is it the same thing that you did with me right after breaking up with the girl before me.. or do you really not care enough to grieve at least a little longer for the love we lost? were you really over it the week after it ended? or were you over it before it ended?

all these questions have been rolling around in my head for the past two months and they have got to stop.

i cannot be this person anymore.

i cannot let you control me. i am strong. i am able. i am good enough. i am worth something. i am smart. i am not worse than you.

for so long i needed you to believe those things; but in the end does it really matter? i know that i believe them, and i have people that surround me with love and believe them as well. that is what counts.

i lost something in losing you. i lost a friend; a partner; a support; a rock. but i will be okay. i will continue breathing. life goes on. life goes on.

so for now i say goodbye, my dear friend. you will forever be in my heart and i will never stop loving you. i wish you the world, for i know that you will embrace it with open arms and you will stop at nothing to give all that you have to it. be happy and be real.. live life for all that it is. don't forget me, and i swear i wont forget you. we owe that much to us, i think.

bullshit.

You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends
Pontificating to each other
Forever competing for that one moment of self-aggrandizing glory
In which you hog the intellectual spotlight
Holding dominion over the entire shallow pointless conversation

Oh, we're not worthy
When you walk by a group of quote-unquote normal people
You chuckle to yourself patting yourself on the back as you scoff
It's the same superiority complex
Shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living hell
And makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma
You spend every moment of your waking life bitching about