Sunday, June 22, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
the gulf of mexico.
its very funny to me how i have sat through classes with the most intelligent professors and listened to the most passionate preachers, and i find myself learning more from a bunch of teenagers who have never left the comfort of the youth group they grew up in.
this summer- this internship- is the most awkward, uncomfortable, and seemingly unnecessary thing i have ever done voluntarily. but it is already the most rewarding.
they say that you can never fully learn a career, or anything for that matter, by sitting in a classroom. you must experience to learn and discover yourself, for experience is the best teacher available.
i have never known anything to be this true.
i am learning things that i have either never realized or never had the strength to unearth and accept about myself. i am being faced with the gross reality of life, of growing up, of becoming an adult. i am forced to deal with my insecurities and my shortcomings. the things i have wanted for so long to change about my personality and my attitude are being thrown in my face and now i can do nothing but confront them head-on and deal with them.
my passion for ministry is being renewed. and whats more- my desire for youth ministry (which i never thought i would say after starting college)
my desire for relationship and truth and purpose is being strengthened.
the hardest part though.. i am caught in the in between. i am no longer a youth, but i am not an adult. i am not a student but i am not yet a leader. i cannot call myself a peer of these kids but i don't feel like i can sit at the grown up table just yet. i can taste adulthood as i approach my 20th birthday, but i can feel and see childhood as clear as day. this is by far the weirdest stage of my life- in the weirdest place of my life, with not much to support me.
i am painfully awkward and hopelessly inadequate.. but i must transition. and when normally i would brush it aside and lean on my friends, i now have to face the music. i am terrified of making the jump. i feel like i am living in a constant paradox because i admire these people that i have the privileged of working with so much.. perhaps more than any group of leaders i have ever served under. i am honored to call them my team and to be a part of this ministry and their vision. but, i am so incredibly intimidated by them. my insecurities are getting the best of me once again and for some reason, i can't be myself. i want them to be a part of what god is speaking to me and what i'm learning through them and this experience, but there is something lacking. is it time? or age? or gender? or personality? i don't know. i wish i could figure it out and get over it.
i need affirmation. i need guidance and accountability. i need to talk and go deeper than just a surface relationship.
i am torn. i am growing, though. my one goal for this experience was to be able to honestly say at the end of everything "that was the greatest experience of my life" and so far- it is one of them.
we will see what the rest of the summer holds. hopefully i will pull it together and be able to stop being such a wimp. all i truly know is that the lord is faithful and has been so good to me. i don't want to waste the time he has given me here and the people that are available for me to learn from. i will come out of this stronger.
this summer- this internship- is the most awkward, uncomfortable, and seemingly unnecessary thing i have ever done voluntarily. but it is already the most rewarding.
they say that you can never fully learn a career, or anything for that matter, by sitting in a classroom. you must experience to learn and discover yourself, for experience is the best teacher available.
i have never known anything to be this true.
i am learning things that i have either never realized or never had the strength to unearth and accept about myself. i am being faced with the gross reality of life, of growing up, of becoming an adult. i am forced to deal with my insecurities and my shortcomings. the things i have wanted for so long to change about my personality and my attitude are being thrown in my face and now i can do nothing but confront them head-on and deal with them.
my passion for ministry is being renewed. and whats more- my desire for youth ministry (which i never thought i would say after starting college)
my desire for relationship and truth and purpose is being strengthened.
the hardest part though.. i am caught in the in between. i am no longer a youth, but i am not an adult. i am not a student but i am not yet a leader. i cannot call myself a peer of these kids but i don't feel like i can sit at the grown up table just yet. i can taste adulthood as i approach my 20th birthday, but i can feel and see childhood as clear as day. this is by far the weirdest stage of my life- in the weirdest place of my life, with not much to support me.
i am painfully awkward and hopelessly inadequate.. but i must transition. and when normally i would brush it aside and lean on my friends, i now have to face the music. i am terrified of making the jump. i feel like i am living in a constant paradox because i admire these people that i have the privileged of working with so much.. perhaps more than any group of leaders i have ever served under. i am honored to call them my team and to be a part of this ministry and their vision. but, i am so incredibly intimidated by them. my insecurities are getting the best of me once again and for some reason, i can't be myself. i want them to be a part of what god is speaking to me and what i'm learning through them and this experience, but there is something lacking. is it time? or age? or gender? or personality? i don't know. i wish i could figure it out and get over it.
i need affirmation. i need guidance and accountability. i need to talk and go deeper than just a surface relationship.
i am torn. i am growing, though. my one goal for this experience was to be able to honestly say at the end of everything "that was the greatest experience of my life" and so far- it is one of them.
we will see what the rest of the summer holds. hopefully i will pull it together and be able to stop being such a wimp. all i truly know is that the lord is faithful and has been so good to me. i don't want to waste the time he has given me here and the people that are available for me to learn from. i will come out of this stronger.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
may this be said of me one day.
"His love for the Person of Christ was so intense that it threatened to consume him. It burned within him as a sweet and holy madness and flowed from his lips like molten gold." -a.w. tozer of frederick faber.
may you flow out of me like a precious treasure that those around me are compelled to dig up and find for themselves. may your presence in my being be gold that people rush to, because of the sheer beauty and joy that exists in you. may your love and your spirit become a burning fire within my bones, within the deepest parts of me, within my very soul. may my heart beat with your heart, my passions collide with yours, and your very essence become embedded into me.
may you flow out of me like a precious treasure that those around me are compelled to dig up and find for themselves. may your presence in my being be gold that people rush to, because of the sheer beauty and joy that exists in you. may your love and your spirit become a burning fire within my bones, within the deepest parts of me, within my very soul. may my heart beat with your heart, my passions collide with yours, and your very essence become embedded into me.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
try, try again.
i am tired.
tired of the ordinary. tired of the routine. tired of the same songs, same clothes, same route.
i am tired of being lackadaisical. apparently sometime last semester i gave up. i stopped trying.. i got so tired of everything and just decided to say "f that" to pretty much all of life. which is so unlike me.. i have always tried. i've always tried to be involved and to grow and to listen and to become better than the current state of kristi.
but, i stopped trying.
and that makes me so mad.
i honestly don't even know how to start trying again. i don't know how to pick up my bible again. i don't know how to open my mouth and cry out to my father. i don't know how to speak what i'm feeling and feel what i'm speaking. i don't know how to shut up and listen. i don't know how to open my eyes to the world.. to people.. to this life that i am living.
i probably don't know how because i lost the desire to know how.
i can feel the desire returning. i can feel it running back to me and all i can do is open my arms and embrace it with all that i am. like a long awaited hug that you give to someone you haven't seen in months. like looking forward to something for so long and then finally experiencing that event.
paint my heart with desire. shower me with longing for you, and for truth, and for the ability to try. i cannot do anything on my own- but only by the grace that you give so freely. i can only do what you allow me to do, and i know that you want me to try.
my desire is to live fully alive once more. to run without growing weary. to fly on the wings of eagles. to be who i was created to be once again.
from this moment on, i will try. i will fail over and over- this is true- but i will try with all that i am.
tired of the ordinary. tired of the routine. tired of the same songs, same clothes, same route.
i am tired of being lackadaisical. apparently sometime last semester i gave up. i stopped trying.. i got so tired of everything and just decided to say "f that" to pretty much all of life. which is so unlike me.. i have always tried. i've always tried to be involved and to grow and to listen and to become better than the current state of kristi.
but, i stopped trying.
and that makes me so mad.
i honestly don't even know how to start trying again. i don't know how to pick up my bible again. i don't know how to open my mouth and cry out to my father. i don't know how to speak what i'm feeling and feel what i'm speaking. i don't know how to shut up and listen. i don't know how to open my eyes to the world.. to people.. to this life that i am living.
i probably don't know how because i lost the desire to know how.
i can feel the desire returning. i can feel it running back to me and all i can do is open my arms and embrace it with all that i am. like a long awaited hug that you give to someone you haven't seen in months. like looking forward to something for so long and then finally experiencing that event.
paint my heart with desire. shower me with longing for you, and for truth, and for the ability to try. i cannot do anything on my own- but only by the grace that you give so freely. i can only do what you allow me to do, and i know that you want me to try.
my desire is to live fully alive once more. to run without growing weary. to fly on the wings of eagles. to be who i was created to be once again.
from this moment on, i will try. i will fail over and over- this is true- but i will try with all that i am.
love has come.
how long you have traveled in darkness weeping
no rest in language, no words to speak
but there in the wreckage beneath bricks and bindings
love has come, love has come for youagainst the night sky of your waiting
your face is like starlight when he walks in
everything worth keeping comes through dying
love has come, love has come for youso lift up your heart now, to this unfolding
all that has been broken will be restored
here runs deep waters for all who are thirsty
love has come, love has come for youten thousand angels will light your pathway
until the day breaks fully in the East
they will surround you and make your way straight
love has come, love has come for you
love has come, love has come for you
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