my eyes are fixed upon you

changed.

2009-03-30T16:25:00.002-05:00

this morning we went to learn some hebrew songs at the church we've been attending. as we sang (they were beautiful, btw) i felt as if i was falling in love with the language. and not just with hebrew, but with language and words and communication in general. when i'm home, i never really think about it. it's just easy.. everything is so easy because it's the same. it's all english. it's all so.. normal. but here, it's another world. there are several different languages that i hear on a regular basis each day.

hebrew.

arabic.

english.

spanish.

it just comes so easy when we speak in our native tongue.. it's like breathing.. it's simplicity at best. but, it takes years to master another language. it's so interesting how that works. words are so effortless when you know them, and they are terrifying when you don't. it's second nature until you get out of your comfort zone and step into something else. hearing an unknown language just reminds me of how huge this world is and how incredibly diverse it is. it's crazy to think about how truly small and seemingly insignificant my perspective is.. it always seems to be the center of the world until the minute i step away from what i know and become an outsider for a short time.

maybe this is why trips like this are so often referred to as life changing. the entire life, the very essence of everything you have been and known is changed and will never again be the same as it was. you will forget much, but always carry the stories, the faces, the images, the words.. things that impact and alter the very core of your being. it truly is life changing in every sense. the life that you knew dies, and a new one will be born.. you will never be the same as you were when you stepped foot into that foreign place.

and may it be so in my life.

en gedi.

2009-03-30T16:23:00.000-05:00

This heart is a desert
Dry, cracked and barren.
I yearn for your rain, like a flood from heaven.
I cry out to you from this darkness,
My spirit is empty.
God of Israel, breathe life once again.

I thirst for your grace.
I breathe in, gasping for your air.
My arms reach out for your hands.
My heart longs for the love it once knew.
Yet, still I wander, through this broken land.
God of Israel, breathe life once again.

In the silence, I heard your voice.
A small whisper, but perfectly clear.
“Wake up my daughter, let me shine on you again”
For I was blind, so you gave me your eyes.
I was deaf, and you opened my ears.
I could no longer walk, so you carried me.
I couldn’t breathe, so you did.

Out of death you have rescued me
I cried out to you and you answered.
My heart restored.
My vision repaired.
My lungs refilled.
No longer will I wander in this desert.
God of Israel, you have breathed life once again.

new.

2009-03-28T06:05:00.004-05:00

i think my favorite part about being here in this place is that i've been able to escape my thoughts, the ones that i am never really able to put to rest when i'm at home and comfortable. i've spent the past two weeks literally walking in freedom and pure, complete peace. i have really never known anything like this, and it's a miracle that any of this is even happening at all. i'm free from the thoughts and the worry of the future.. the constant questions i have about my summer plans, or the fall, or graduation, or the semester after.. the things i can never seem to escape no matter how good or content i may be in the present.

i have succeeded in living in the moment, for the first time in my life. i have been able to get away from myself, really, and embrace this moment for everything that it is and all that it has to offer. i am walking through history in every sense of the word and it's more tangible than i ever could of imagined.. everyday i see something new, brand new. everyday i learn another person, another place, another story. i've never been more in love with anything or anyone else and it's the absolute best feeling in the world.

god is absolutely real here. i've even thought so far as this may be the first time i've ever truly known god for all that he is. i am quite sure that i haven't known joy like this before, and i haven't felt the closeness and the reality of god anywhere close to the way i feel it here. it's as if the past five or six years i've spent walking with him were all veiled. they were watered down and unrealistic.. and here, it's completely different. i can see it, taste it, feel it. i know that he is right there with me at every moment. the bitterness, the doubt, the cynicism, the pain, the jealousy.. every negative emotion that i have carried with me for so long has almost disappeared.. to the point that i'm terrified to leave, because i don't want to leave it here. i don't want to leave this place and this family that i have acquired. i am joyous for the first time in my life, i have peace for the first time, i have contentment more than i ever have. it's a beautiful feeling, it's so much better than anything i could have imagined.

it was the baptism in the jordan that did me in. i was covered in tears before i got down to the water, i was so overwhelmed with every emotion imaginable. it was the moment that i have been dreaming of for months, it was the moment that was promised to me.. the restoration that i had been waiting for and hoping for. the symbolism of baptism has never been more clear or more meaningful. i waded into that cold water a broken, dead soul. the heaviness of my heartbreak followed me in.. but it did not come out with me. i stepped out of that river a new soul, a living thing. i could breathe again, i could see again, i could feel everything around me. the death stayed in that water and the new life that i have been searching for came out with me.

being here is indescribable.. there are literally no words that even come close to accurately describing how amazing it is. nothing is ever good enough.. but i think i like it that way. it's mine.. it's my experience and my life and i can't really even share it with anyone else.

shalom.

2009-03-15T15:27:00.001-05:00

i'm keeping another blog for israel stuff. http://yahfakeshet.blogspot.com/ it's mainly for my family to read. i guess i'll still update this one but i'm not sure if i will or not.. so if you care about my travels.. read the other one :)

scumbag with a golden heart.

2009-03-11T21:27:00.004-05:00

packing for israel.

my last night in this country for several weeks. i honestly... don't really know how to feel yet.

all i know at this point is that this is the most content and the closest i've ever been to "god's will" for my life. this is the closest to being exactly where i am "supposed" to be that i ever have been before. i am so ready to embark on this new journey. i am so ready to say goodbye to all that has been my life for the past several months.. years even. i am ready to turn my back completely on the old and embrace the new for all that it is and all that i believe it can be.

i am ready. i am ready.

i just need to keep telling myself that.

goodbye all that i once was. goodbye to the old kristi. goodbye to the brokenhearted girl that i have been for so many months. the anger, the bitterness, the sadness, the pain, the doubt, the anxiousness.. everything. goodbye.

i will emerge new, fresh, restored. and i am believing that with every once of faith that i have stored into these bones (which, honestly, may not be that much at this point)

it sounds so ridiculous and so crazy that just stepping foot in this country could erase all the brokenness inside of me. but i really believe that it can.

here i go. wish me luck.

the flowers you gave me are rotting and still i refuse to throw them away.

2009-03-05T17:02:00.004-06:00

things i am currently loving:

1. my halfway packed suitcase for ISRAEL in ONE WEEK!!!

2. i get to see my best friend tomorrow!

3. john legend, nickel creek, and kanye.

4. the fact that aaron has 510 pictures of me in his iphoto. bahahaa.

5. the fact that i've been on the same page of my last pentecostal movement paper for at least 3 days.

6. vanessa.

7. poker every night. i am really going to miss it a lot.

8. david james cripps.

9. my wall to wall with kenny. it seriously makes me really happy. i wish all dead relationships could turn out the way ours is.

10. dinner date with my dad tonight!

11. watchmen midnight premiere.

12. the fact that i have guy friends again. and the fact that i love my beautiful girlfriends very much.

i wish i were better at poker.

2009-03-02T23:20:00.004-06:00

writing used to be therapeutic for me, now it's becoming a chore. perhaps because it's just much easier to internalize all the things i'm thinking and feeling lately.. or because i don't feel quite safe writing those things.

i think i'm so independent and i want so badly to deny any feeling of normal womanly desire to be wanted and romanced and loved and wooed that i just repress and repress those desires that are, in fact, inside of me, just like they are inside all the girls that i claim to dislike! i'm the worst kind. i am that girl, i just pretend not to be. i get so upset when i feel like i'm doing all the right things and still, i don't get any play. i look cute, i dress well, i'm funny, i'm outgoing, i'm nice, i'm smart. but.. nothing. i get no crushes, no date offers, no phone number exchanges. and my friends.. who yes, are equally cute and all of the above, get all the action. and the boy that i like is, of course, all about my best friend. and she's into him, of course. and she always gets someone, she always has someone, she is always favored and loved and is always in a relationship of some form.

and i'm angry with her for being like that. it's not fair. it's so stupid of me to be mad at her for that.. it's just jealousy. it's consuming jealousy and fear that i may never find anyone. it's unnecessary. it's unfair.

and i'm still broken from him. i'm over him, completely and utterly, but i still battle those feelings of worthlessness and rejection and inadequacy. and i hate him for it. i hate him for ruining my confidence and stealing my joy. (ironic). i hate him for making me do the stupidest things i've done in my life and committing the biggest crimes i've ever committed. i hate that he got away without scars and without being seen as the asshole that he is. ugh. ugh ugh.

i'm starting to think that i'm just not cut out for this.

this post was not supposed to be about him. i'm just venting. it wasn't supposed to be about any of this meaningless and petty bullshit.

ugh.

okay- moving on.

i decided that if last semester was the semester of death and destruction.. this one must be the semester of life and rebirth. and so far, it has been. the end of christmas break was the end of my old life. everything from that point on has been a climb uphill, and it has been difficult and dirty, but it has been so good and so fulfilling.

the last day of christmas break i said goodbye to everything and burned all of it in my mind. these months at home have been some of the best of my life.. i've been so restored and so renewed. my relationships with these girls who i would die for, the entrance of the piersons and the beautiful and loving individuals that i share bible study time (and a lot more) with during the week, the girls in the youth group who have given me hope and humor, my long distance friends who are still there.. always there, and my family who i am hopelessly in love with. each of these people have changed me, and they have all been aides to the rebirth of kristi.

israel will be the capstone. i can feel it and i know it. not that it will make me complete by any means, but i think it'll have a great deal to do with the completion of this restoration i've been going through. god has given, and will give, so much to me.

/end rambling.

for now just let it be known that i love corinne bailey rae and kanye west.

i love, you love.

2009-03-02T15:43:00.002-06:00

Come and share my house, my home, and all I own.
I'd love to give to you.
Aren't you tired of going along this lonely road?
It takes it's toll on you.

Give me your emotion, your heart's devotion.
Give anything you like.
And I'll give understanding. Life's so demanding.
I'm all you need to get by.

And I...
I love, I love, I love
Love hurts sometimes
But this feels right.

And You...
You love, you love, you love
Though you've been burned
You still return.

isaiah 54:4-10

2009-02-24T23:05:00.002-06:00

i haven't felt scripture like this in a long, long time. this chapter (and those surrounding it) pierced my heart and soul today. it's as if god was sitting next to me at my kitchen table whispering the words into my ear.. i could feel them that much. it's such a good feeling to experience. it reminds me that i'm not gone, i'm not done, i'm not that far. this is my favorite excerpt.

4 "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.

5 For your Maker is your husband—
the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.

6 The LORD will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected," says your God.

7 "For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.

8 In a surge of anger
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,"
says the LORD your Redeemer.

9 "To me this is like the days of Noah,
when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.
So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,
never to rebuke you again.

10 Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

another day in perrydise.

2009-02-23T14:27:00.002-06:00

so, i had two tables today right next to each other. they came in around the same time and ordered similar meals and drinks.

the first one was a man and his son, i'm assuming. the son was about my age and pretty cute.. they were both nice and easy to please.

the second was a son and his mother. the son was probably late twenties and called his mom "my momma" and was very loud and the most overly nice person i've probably ever waited on.

the son at the second table had some sort of social disability. i'm thinking it was probably mild autism or maybe just a personality disorder. i wasn't really sure. and it's times like these that i find myself wishing over and over that it would be acceptable to ask what type of disorder this man had, because i am so incredibly intrigued by things like this. though, if i had asked, he probably would of told me gladly.

anyways. here's the interesting part. the first table, with the man and his son, didn't really talk much. i walked by and checked on them and watched them.. they didn't really even look at each other. the son was texting the whole time and the dad was just chomping away at his seafood platter. they were perfectly happy and content just sitting, eating, not really talking.

the second table, with "momma" and her son, however, were so outgoing and friendly and as i watched them, they laughed with each other, talked about other family or friends, and shared stories. they held eye contact, they were warm, and their conversation was fun. though it was apparent that the son was slightly off.. there was so much love radiating towards his momma and towards life in general.

maybe the father and son were having a bad day, or maybe that's how they always are with each other, but the sadness of the situation hit me today.

they are perfectly healthy, but they weren't talking. they didn't have anything to say. they were closed in to themselves.

the second son, even with a disability, was full of love and joy and was so fascinated with everything around him. he treated his momma to lunch and then talked to me about red snapper for a few minutes.

there is something to this. there was something so different and so special about that man.

both tables left around the same time. i'll remember the second table.. but tomorrow i'll have ten more just like the first.

ladies.

2009-02-20T01:22:00.005-06:00

i haven't really been able to write much of anything lately. maybe because of a lack of drama or heartbreak or anything incredibly interesting (except israel in t-minus 19)

i suppose that is a good thing. no news is good news, right?

for now, i just want to get this out:

i think, i know, that the thing i've been fighting and running from for the past few years is becoming my future. i am becoming hopelessly passionate about the things that i've hated and made fun of for two years. maybe not quite this literally.. but this is how it seems to me.

i've resented women and how incredibly sexist southeastern is, i've hated hearing about every girls longing for a white dress and a diamond and a life spent making pot roast and birthing children. i wanted nothing to do with it, any of it. i wanted to be different. i wanted to run away from the broken heart and passion i feel for women who seem to have no self-worth. i wanted to deny how even the tiniest mention of human trafficking and prostitution makes me cry.

but.. maybe there is something so much more significant in that.

my purpose in life is the most uncomfortable, inconvenient, and seemingly fruitless purpose that it could possibly be. and you know what?

i am in love with it.

and this may not make sense to anyone but me. hell, it doesn't make sense to me either.

all i really know is that there is something to that old proverb about telling god no.. because as soon as you do, he'll rewrite everything to center around that thing you denied.

writers block.

2009-02-19T00:35:00.004-06:00

She yells, 'if you were homeless,
Sure as hell you'd be drunk
Or high or trying to get there
Or begging for junk
When people don't want you
They just throw you money for beer'

Her name was November
She went by Autumn or Fall
It was seven long years past
Since the Autumn when all
Of her nightmares grew fingers
And all of her dreams grew a tear

She's somebody's baby
Somebody's baby girl
She's somebody's baby
Somebody's baby girl
And she's somebody's baby still

She screams, 'well, if you never
Gone it alone
Well then go ahead, you better
Throw the first stone
You got one lonely stoner
Waiting to bring to her knees'

She dreams about heaven
Remembering hell
As a nightmare she visits
And knows all too well
Every now and again when she's sober
She brushes her teeth

Today was her birthday
Strangely enough
When the cops found her body
At the foot of the bluffs
This morning's anonymous call
Tipped off the police

They got her ID
From her dental remains
The same fillings intact
The same nicotine stains
The birth and the death were both over
With no one to grieve

for the record.

2009-02-16T23:48:00.003-06:00

it's done and over.

and i'm ready to take my life and my heart and my wholeness back. in full. nothing missing, nothing lost.

just in time. i was beginning to think it would never happen.

procrastination.

2009-02-16T14:51:00.003-06:00

so, i leave for israel in 23 days. i leave niceville in 19.

that is just not enough time.

i have to finish the book i'm almost done with for waddell. and then two more that i still don't have (i'm on my knees praying that they will get here tomorrow) i also need to hackett-style read ancient israel & judah and archaeology & the new testament.. which are the two that i was dreading the most, so i've avoided. then i need to write the summaries for those two.. and a 5-page review for each of waddell's books.

all the while, i need to keep up with the fettke online stuff and finish my last paper for him in the next two weeks. plus, i have to preach this week to the youth and possibly play piano. i have no idea how either of those are going to work out. good thing the kids love me regardless of my talent :) and my aunt and uncle are coming in sometime this week. stressful.

so because of all this, i just don't think i can possibly go to miami. which is really upsetting, because that means i wont get to see david until the cafaro/eller wedding extravaganza in june. but that's okay, because he's going to be my date and we are only going to dance with each other.

i really would love to see becca before i leave, but i don't know if i will.. depending on if she comes home for spring break and if i go to atlanta earlier than planned. actually, all i care about is going to the girltalk concert but no one is making plans with me so i'm just going to kiss that one goodbye.

the beauty of all of this is that i only have two more weeks at perry's and then i am home free.

and in 23 short days i will be on the longest plane ride of my life about to embark on the greatest journey of my life. and my hope is resting in that.

oh what a horribly boring post this was. oh well. i am a pretty boring gal, it's true.

life is a song.

2009-02-11T16:16:00.001-06:00

You say life is a dream where we can't say what we mean
Maybe just some roadside scene that we're driving past
There's no telling where we'll be in a day or in a week
And there's no promises of peace or of happiness

Well is this why you cling to every little thing
And pulverize and derange all your senses
Maybe life is a song but you're scared to song along
Until the very ending

Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know
Ideas that strengthen who we've been
It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds
From the chains and shackles that they're in

Oh, tell me what good is saying that you're free
In a dark and storming sea
You're chained to your history, you're surely sinking fast
You say that you know that the good Lord's in control
He's gonna bless and keep your tired and oh so restless soul
But at the end of the day when every price has been paid
You're gonna rise and sit beside him on some old seat of gold
And won't you tell me why you live like you're afraid to die
You'll die like you're afraid to go

Well life is a dream cause we're all walking in our sleep
You could see us stand in lines like we're dead upon our feet
And we build our house of cards and then we wait for it to fall
Always forget how strange it is just to be alive at all

living in the parentheses.

2009-02-08T23:47:00.004-06:00

i've been writing a lot lately. both publicly and privately. mostly privately, though. i've just always had this huge fear of people reading my words. words are everything to me. they romance my soul and pierce my heart and there is something about my own words that is just so immensely personal. i'm also just terrified of anyone judging me. that's probably my biggest problem.

the point is. i think it's about time that i get away from this lovely little quicksand trap i like to call niceville. my heart is so conflicted, because it's my roots and so many beautiful things are here. but at the same time.. i've always been so stagnant and so.. blaaaaaagh here (that's really the only way i can describe it.. even though i love them, sometimes words escape me) and i'm just not fulfilled at all. maybe it's me though.. i suppose i can't always blame it on poor innocent niceville. it's mainly my issue and my fear of ever letting myself be fully alive and completely embrace the moment. i wonder what it is that's keeping me that way? maybe it's heartbreak after heartbreak and repression after repression.. or maybe it's just distraction.. or fear. the good little psychology student in me is sure that it has something to do with my childhood (or lack thereof) and my incredible insecurity. the fact that i live in constant guilt for not keeping up with the rest of my family the way i want to, my fear of losing my dad or my brother, the pounds of baggage and scars from the death trap that was last semester, and the stress of never being good enough for someone to love me the way i yearn to be loved.

that is a tad dramatic, and so uncharacteristically vulnerable.

what i do know is that i am so sick of everyone asking me what i'm going to do with myself come december when i waltz across that stage and shake someone other than dr rutland's hand (oh my god it hadn't dawned on me yet that i don't get to shake his hand anymore!!!!!) and i'm mainly sick of this because it reminds me over and over again that i have no idea what the hell i'm going to do with a practical theology degree that i resent much more than you could ever know. all i really, truly want to do is travel and meet people, be with them, talk to them, and bring life back to them. it's all i think about and the only thing that really gets my blood a-pumpin'. but, i am a realist (for the most part) and i know that this is not a career nor does it pay the bills that are looming over my head as we speak. so, what is a girl to do? it's the classic "follow your heart and be poor VS. sell out and live comfortably" situation and frankly, my dear, i don't really feel the need to face the facts just yet. so, for a few more glorious months i will keep dreaming and avoiding the reality that is running towards me in the shape of a graduation hat.

israel is looking so perfect right now.

i am so incredibly excited.. i just want to stand in the middle of a crowded street with no shoes on and close my eyes and breathe in the jewishness that i can already feel. of course i will look ridiculous doing so being a 6 ft tall blonde who just used the word "jewishness", not to mention the no shoes thing. however, i don't really care.

i need to open my heart again. i need to be content.

and, that's all she wrote. plus, this little video which makes my heart smile endlessly.. no matter how many times i've watched it.

learned.

2009-02-07T14:39:00.008-06:00

lessons learned in the past few months.

1. never again will i be involved with someone of the same major/career (and while we're at it, just no more theology anything, please)

2. "you aint gotta worry about them niggas. live life, shawty, you can do without them niggas" (ignore the racial slurs.. you get the point)

3. it's my life and i need to live it for myself. no one else should run it for me and no one else decides my self worth for me.

4. never go to a club again. (okay, this might not stick)

5. a genuine friendship cannot happen after a serious intimate relationship. bottom line, end of story. don't play with fire.

6. serving/perry's is so taxing on my soul. people are assholes and feel the need to be incredibly rude and cheap. and i can't say anything about it.

7. forgive, always. (already learned, but just reinforced)

8. alcohol is not all it's cracked up to be.

9. never leave the ones who are always by my side. fight for them forever, even if it hurts, and they will do the same for me.

10. sometimes the best thing is the hardest thing to do. in the end, though, its worth it.

11. be strong, but still be vulnerable.

12. god is real. so incredibly real.

wait for me.

2009-02-06T17:32:00.004-06:00

i am coming undone. and i am ravished. i am in love.

but not with a man.

not with any one specific individual.

with an idea, a dream, a goal, a place, a group, a life.

and i am so helplessly passionate and driven to reach this goal, to fulfill this dream, to bring to life this idea.

the way most of my girlfriends pine for a husband and a child is the way i ache for this to be real. and they don't understand why i don't want a child, and why i don't really care about a husband. because i am consumed, i am compelled, i am desirous of this thing.

and it's not even tangible. it's not even sensible.

i am a serial dreamer.

"I’ve witnessed first hand the power of ideas, I’ve seen people kill in the name of them, and die defending them… but you cannot kiss an idea, cannot touch it, or hold it… ideas do not bleed, they do not feel pain, they do not love" -V for Vendetta.

i need to remind myself.

2009-02-05T14:58:00.001-06:00

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.... It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more." -erica jong

kanye speaks to my heart.

2009-02-04T23:53:00.002-06:00

To the hustlers, killers, murderers, drug dealers, even the strippers
Jesus walks with them

To the victims of Welfare, for we living in hell here
Jesus walks with them

Now hear ye hear ye, I want to see Thee more clearly
I know he hear me when my feet get weary

I ain't here to argue about his facial features
Or here to convert atheists into believers

I'm just trying to say the way school need teachers
The way Kathie Lee needed Regis that's the way I need Jesus

flesh

2009-01-29T17:37:00.002-06:00

"The word became flesh and blood, and moved into the neighborhood. We saw the glory with our own eyes, the one-of-a-kind glory, like Father, like Son. Generous inside and out, true from start to finish"

John 1:14, message.

dreaming of things that might of been.

2009-01-26T22:38:00.003-06:00

so, you know when you pick up a book and you can just feel that it's about to change you? this happens to me with movies too.. like how i knew benjamin button would somehow shake me to the very core (which is kind of weird..)

anyways. it happened last night when i started "eat, pray, love" by elizabeth gilbert. i got hooked within the first 3 pages and couldn't put it down until i was so tired i couldn't keep my eyes open. it kind of scares me, though, because it's so strangely reminiscent of where i am in life right now. i mean, not exactly, but close enough. i'm excited to see where it goes.. it's definietly going to be world shattering.

the really scary thing, though, is that she's on this quest for god.. and in the first few pages she openly states that though she is a christian by culture (wasp) she is not by belief, because she cannot seem to grasp the crux of christianity.. that jesus is the only way to heaven.

and you know what.. i can't really grasp that either.

i hope i don't get shot or patronized for that statement. it is something i think about all the time, and am terrified to ever speak (so i'm writing it here, in the comfort of my own blog)

i just can't honestly say that i believe it right now.

i know i did at one point, and i might come to believe it again. but right now, i just can't.

i believe in god more than anything. i am absolutely sure that he is real, and that he is actively involved in my life and in the world. i am absolutely positive that he changed me into who i am, that he saved my life from the depths of the grave, and that he listens to my cries when i call to him. i believe he can heal. i believe he can ressurrect. i believe he can restore, and change, and turn death into life. i believe i've heard his voice and that he directs my path and all my footsteps.

but even with that said.. is it REALLY the only way? is a relationship with jesus really all there is to it? is "being saved" really the only way a person can truly experience the god of israel? is it? could it be?

and now i feel like such a baby. i've been a christian for years, i am almost done with a theology degree from a christian university, and i want to serve in the church as a career! who am i? i must be insane, right? who knows. maybe there really is just too much junk in my head and i've listened to far too many lectures. or maybe there's something to these thoughts. do we have it wrong? did jesus mean that he was the ONLY way when he called himself the way, truth, and life?

maybe ill find out in israel. maybe not.

akhos.

2009-01-25T01:58:00.004-06:00

i simply cannot decide what i'd rather have had happen.

i am so thankful for experiencing love.. however true it may have been.

and i know that it will find me again.

and i know that it will be so much more. so much more. so much more than i can imagine.

but i detest this feeling.

i hate being angry, and jealous, and bitter.

they are mine, and you cannot have them. they are my friends, my heart, my life. they are mine.

i am livid that i am so broken.

i hate the feeling of my heart breaking into pieces, where i can feel it in my chest. i can feel it beating heavier, breathing gets harder, and my senses become weaker.

i hate carrying around the guilt (oh god the guilt), and the doubt, and the insecurities.

i want to love.. everyone. i want to be friend to.. everyone. i do not want to be enemy to a single one. i do not want to feel guilty, or sullen, or oppressive.

my hope rests in you. it will come again. and before it does, you will mend me. you will break, bend, and shape me.

i shall become myself, once again. but not without you. not without your help, my father, my friend.

"so kiss me, kiss me, life is too short to scream and shout"

animals were gone.

2009-01-24T16:38:00.002-06:00

I know I've been a liar and I know I've been a fool
I hope we didn't break yet, but I'm glad we broke the rules
My cave is deep now, yet your light is shining through
I cover my eyes, still all I see is you

Oh I know that I left you in places of despair
Oh I know that I love you, so please throw down your hair
At night I trip without you, and hope I don't wake up
'Cause waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup

what would jesus do, for real?

2009-01-16T01:51:00.003-06:00

so today i watched this episode of 'wife swap' ..yes i know, a little embarrassing, let's blame one rebecca ANN osborne for doing this to me.

anyways, it was pretty appealing to me because the two families were christians, i think one was lutheran and the other may of been methodist (not completely important either way).. but neither family found shame in the fact that they chose to live according to the word of God and apply it to every aspect of their lives.

sounds wonderful up to this point, right? there probably wont be much fighting or disagreeing between the husbands and their new wives, like there would be between say.. a strict and conservative mormon family and some ultra liberal hippies with openly gay children.

but no, no, hell no. there was conflict galore!

the catch was.. one family consisted of the typical, conservative and traditional roles of a christian family living in the bible belt. the husband went to work every day and used the phrases "gatekeeper" and "watchman on the wall" several thousand times throughout the course of the episode (though, clearly, he had no idea the historical context and/or what those phrases really mean). and the wife stayed home with her kids, homeschooled them, had the dinner on the table for when the gatekeeper got home from work, and referred to herself as her husbands "helpmate" while wholeheartedly believing that a womans only calling in life is to wait on the husband and raise the children (god forbid a free thinking woman who has a career!)

the husband from the other family assumed the role of the other side of this all too familiar battle. he held three masters degrees and a phd, all in theological studies and biblical history of some sort. he was usually seen making a mockery of "bible thumpers" as he called them, praying over dinner in a theatrical and sarcastic fashion, and talking about how many times he had been burned by the conservative christians in the world who stuck way too closely to the infalliable and literal interpretation of the scriptures. his wife was a strong working woman, who read her bible daily but believed it should not be taken too literally and that women were clearly just as strong as men in today's society.

all this to say.. it once again got me thinking about the different sides in this war we call christianity and i was left wondering.. what's the point, really?

after the liberal husband got a little hysterical about how he could never trust a fundamentalist ever again, he said this (or something close to it): "why can't you just look past my sin and see me as a human being? just accept me for what i am, and love my heart despite what you think might be sinful or not"

that really is the end all to be all in this issue, i think. why can't we just accept each other? why can't both sides of this battle put up their white flags and try to come to understand the basics of christianity? it was meant to be counter-cultural, it was meant to be revolutionary, it was meant to teach love and acceptance and justice to all men, all women, all ages, all races.

what started as such a life-changing way to look at the world has turned into judgment and rules and manipulation. to the point that we have two families who read the same book and attend the same types of churches.. but are completely different and just cannot see eye to eye.

why does it have to be a battle of who's right, and who's not.. why can't we just accept one another and live in harmony with each other? i mean, i hate to sound unitarian (since that would be seen as sinful where i come from), but can't we all just coexist? is that so much to ask?

that's what i'm going to do. i just want to love and accept. no matter how much book knowledge you might have or how out of context you take the scriptures. i'm just going to love, regardless. isn't that what jesus would do, anyway?

masks.

2009-01-14T01:22:00.007-06:00

i wrote this awhile ago as a fb note, but i wanted to save it here too.

i have spent 5 years in the christian church, and 3 at a pentecostal college (in the religion department, no doubt!).. and still i wonder if we are so far away from what the call to live holy lives really means. why have i spent so many years in this world and still not know what it means to truly live in freedom? why must there be so many more negative marks? are we completely missing it?

are we the ones living in an oppressed community, with a lack of freedom? do we constantly focus on the people outside of our circle as the ones who are in need of this so called freedom and peace... when we are the ones who have really never tasted or felt what freedom is, in the purest sense?

we preach our salvation through the cross, but we never take it any further than that. just past the cross is the danger of the church and the oppression of religion. we take up the cause of the modern church, not the message of jesus and we become slaves to the law and restriction, guilt and judgment.

how is it that we can be so wrapped up in this law? why are we more concerned with the soul of someone who has a beer every once in awhile, or someone who asks a few questions about their faith in order to find more truth.. than with those who are lying naked in a sewer, dying in the most humiliating and painful way because no one gave a damn about them? because we were all too busy worrying about who's sleeping in on a sunday morning instead of going to church.

are we the ones in captivity?
are we the victims?
are we the poor and the destitute?
are we wandering in the desert?

where the hell did we get this idea that we were the chosen ones? we were the strong and the lucky ones? and all we really have to do is feel sorry for those who are "less fortunate" than us when we watch an emotionally charged video about children in africa and then throw a few dollars into an offering plate.

will there ever truly be freedom in this paradox that we call christianity? i have seen more love and freedom in these people that i call believers, but i have also seen the most judgment and the most bitterness.. the hardest of hearts. i cannot find a balance in the two, it doesn't make sense.

do we really love others, or can we just do a really good impression of love? do we even realize what we're singing to god, or are we incredibly conditioned to raise our hands and sing the loudest? why is it that some of the "greatest" christians are the most hateful and invulnerable people.. and vise versa.

are our eyes blind?

where is truth? where are answers? why are we still so far? what would jesus think?

why do we just continue to bring shame to the name of something that was meant to be so counter-cultural, so different, so unique. something that called us to love the poor and feed the hungry and clothe the naked. is this why we celebrate people like mother teresa? this must be why we find such a hero in a woman like her, because that is what we all desire to be, but only a few can actually find love in a life like hers.

is it possible? can it be done? can we break the chains of others while we struggle with our own?

are we just wearing masks? or is this how it was supposed to be?

the beautiful unknown.

2009-01-14T01:07:00.003-06:00

life is truly such a huge giant question mark at this point.

what do i know to be true?

i am leaving for israel march 12. i love my friends more than anything. working at perry's makes me crazy. i am graduating in december. i am terrified of online classes and the fact that my DR teacher thinks i'm in lakeland and can go to a meeting with him this week. i have no idea what i'm doing. my appetite is starting to come back.

what don't i know?

what happens after israel. do i move to lakeland, or go back to atlanta for the summer, or come home, or do an internship or go overseas? should i start studying for the GRE? should i apply to schools for fall 2010? do i want to get my MSW or do clinical or counseling? or do i just want to move away and work in the slums or in some remote village? am i going to meet someone? am i going to fall in love again? are my friends going to be okay?

i feel like the HUGE things are the question marks. the things i know to be true are completely trivial and don't really matter that much.

i am afraid of forgetting about doing my school work.

i am afraid of my DR class.

i am looking so forward to my first visit to lakeland, and the day we leave for israel.

actually.. i LOVE the unknown.

i love that my life is a question mark. i love that i have options. i love that i dream. i love that i have goals but nothing in stone. i love that i can do whatever i want and go wherever i want.

and for so long i felt bad about all of that. i thought i needed a plan and concrete and absolutes. i thought i wasn't mature because i didn't. i felt bad. i don't want to feel bad about it. because, i truly love those things about myself.

i love being young.

i love being single.

this is a good place to be. i have such a horizon. so much unknown and i cannot wait to dive straight into it.

but i really do have anxiety about that DR class. ugh. that needs to peace out immediately. i was not born to be a student.

i can't wait to see what is in store :)

he writes these songs for me.

2009-01-08T16:19:00.001-06:00

Don't hold yourself like that
You'll hurt your knees
I kissed your mouth and back
But that's all I need
Don't build your world around volcanoes melt you down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea

Don't throw yourself like that
In front of me
I kissed your mouth your back
Is that all you need?
Don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea

Is just what I'm going through
This is nothing new
No no just another phase of finding what I really need
Is what makes me bleed
And like a new disease she's still too young to treat

Like a distant tree
Volcanoes melt me down
She's still too young
I kissed your mouth
You do not need me

queenie.

2009-01-04T20:20:00.008-06:00

benjamin button was the best movie i have seen in a long, long time. i cried. i laughed. i pondered love and life and meaning. it was incredible.. chock full of great quotes and awe-inspiring moments. i didn’t even notice that it was three hours either.. i was so caught up in his story.

also, the part where he is on the motorcycle with a leather jacket and aviators.. worth it all.

nine crimes.

2009-01-03T14:41:00.005-06:00

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be cheating on you
It's the wrong time
She's pulling me through
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse

no clanking of crystal.

2009-01-01T16:59:00.000-06:00

so this is the new year, and i don't feel any different.

fabulous.

2008-12-29T00:07:00.002-06:00

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.

-Carrie Bradshaw

rescue is coming.

2008-12-25T02:09:00.000-06:00

When I was nearly taken away, I called out to you and you rescued me from my darkest hours.

Jonah 2:2

ravish me.

2008-12-24T23:27:00.000-06:00

Batter my heart, three-personed God; for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.

I, like an usurped town, to another due,
Labor to admit you, but O, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
but is captived, and proves weak or untrue.

yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy.

Divorce me, untie or break that knot again;
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor even chaste, except you ravish me.

rootless

2008-12-24T15:02:00.001-06:00

What I want from you is empty your head
They say be true, don't stay in your bed
We do what we need to be free
And it leans on me like a rootless tree

What I want from us is empty our minds
We fake the thoughts, and fracture the times
We go blind when we've needed to see
And this leans on me, like a rootless...

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
There's nothing in you
And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good
That you just let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out
Hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out

What I want from this
Is learn to let go
No not of you
Of all that's been told
Killers re-invent and believe
And this leans on me, like a rootless...

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
There's nothing in you
And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good
That you just let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you're around

belief?

2008-12-21T14:43:00.005-06:00

belief is a beautiful armor
but makes for the heaviest sword
like punching underwater
you never can hit who you're trying for
some lead the exhibition
and some have to know they tried
it's the chemical weapon
for the war that's raging on inside
oh, everyone believes
from emptiness to everything
oh, everyone believes
and no one's going quietly

we're never gonna win the world
we're never gonna stop the war
we're never gonna beat this
if belief is what we're fighting for

where are you, love?

2008-12-21T12:46:00.002-06:00

i want it.

so badly.

my bones ache for it. my heart cries out for it. my mind spends countless hours attempting to wrap itself around the idea of it. my soul is in constant pursuit of unearthing what it really means and how it really feels.

i just want to hold it. i want to wrap myself up in it. i want to bottle it up and pass it out to everyone i meet.

but where is it? what is it? how does it look and where can it be found? have i ever truly tasted and seen? have i had it in my possession and let it slip through my grasp too quickly? was it stolen from me?

is it in the faces of those indian babies?

is it all stuck within the wrinkles of mother teresa's hands?

did it die with jesus and get buried with the apostles?

does it hover in an abusive home? does it sleep next to a crying child and a terrified mother?

is it hidden in the words of the church fathers? held together with a cover and a spine and housed on dusty library shelves?

is it there with those who have never heard it's voice? the orphans, the widows, the broken and neglected.

does it linger in the melody of a grand piano? is it found in a painting? held captive by poems?

or is it in you? in me? underneath all the dirt and grime and scar tissue?

do we truly know what it means, or are we just fakes. do we just play pretend, and write it out on birthday cards and anniversary flowers.. just words, written so many millions of times before, empty of all meaning and gratification.

this is my desire, to know the answers. to spend my life in search of the answers. to not tire, or relent, or forget. i want to know. i want to feel. i want to be real.

i have got to find life. somewhere. somehow.

i can't just be this girl anymore. i can't just be a part of the problem. there is a solution, there is an answer, and i will find it.

oh God, we have so much to do.

yeah we just might feel good.

2008-12-19T18:18:00.002-06:00

She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty,
And I think my head is caving in

And I don't know if I've ever really been loved
By the hand that's touched me,
I feel like somethings gonna give,
And I'm a little bit angry.

She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me
And I don't why you couldn't just stay with me
You couldn't stand to be near me,
When my face don't seem to want to shine cause it's a little bit dirty.

unfinished sentences.

2008-12-18T15:56:00.003-06:00

should i stay?

my heart is being divided in two directions.

niceville.
lakeland.

past.
present.

future?

who knows.

independence, an apartment, friendships, starbucks and/or geico, late nights, weekend parties.

but at the same time

people i need to escape, a place i need to avoid, the campus that will slowly crush my spirit again. no security of a job, no promise of fun times, an apartment that wont be completely mine.

but here there is money to save, friendships at home, spiritual growth, living the niceville dream.

my soul needs to heal. a thousand times over. and i feel like it can only really be done here, at home, in the place where so many memories reside. i don't want to see him, i don't want to see her, i don't want to share a city and risk seeing their happiness while i am still not okay.

i need to be away. 412 miles away.

but my friends are there. and the life i want to live is there. and the people i want to be with are there.

oh, decisions. my worst enemy and my closest friend all wrapped up in one terrifying idea.

a letter to you.

2008-12-17T11:42:00.004-06:00

you're kind of pathetic.

you yearn and cry and ache for someone to be there for you. you still let a revealing facebook status knock the wind out of your lungs, and you think it a travesty that such a great love was lost. you feel like you need revenge, you need to look better, you need to be the winner. you give and give and give.. receiving nothing in return. you fight and you complain and you demand some credit for what a good person you are.

why can't you live without him? why can't you just get the hell over it, move on, walk away, and finally let yourself believe that you are better without him. you're better than him. you deserve something else, something that fits you better, something that makes you more complete. so what if she has him now. you don't want him. you just want someone to love you, you want someone to be there for you, you want someone to tell you you're beautiful and you're lovely and you're smart and you're unique.

but she was right. he wont do that anymore. he wont keep your preciousness anymore; he wont be the one anymore.

is it really such a loss?

is it really just like losing a dollar out of the seven or eight you already had?

honestly, did you really want him? no. did you really want to pretend like you were interested? no. did you want to compromise? no.

but you thought you did, and now you're left feeling rejected. you feel more unwanted and unlovely than you have your whole life. you feel worthless and disrespected and unloved and unacceptable. all he needed to do was dump you and then he would be free to find the girl of his dreams, the perfect one. the one who was everything you weren't. the one who had every fucking thing that you didn't have and would never have. you couldn't be enough and wouldn't ever be good enough for him. she is everything and you are nothing. at least these are the things that run through your head everyday. you need to get away from them. these words will eat you alive and tear you to shreds. you wound yourself with them; you damage your heart with them. get away from them.

speak life.

speak truth.

you wanted to fight for it, you wanted to win. you wanted to prevail and prove that love truly does conquer all. but you couldn't do it. he couldn't do it. you were going down, and you knew that you were doomed. you were the one he dreamed of, and he was the one you tried to draw. but it couldn't and it wouldn't. it wasn't meant to be and you have got to move on. you have got to get over it. you have got to live.

live.

just live.

one day you'll know true love. a love that wont turn your eyes from your first love... a love that wont make you feel bad about the person you are... a love that will truly conquer all and be all consuming.

focus on your First Love. focus on the people who will fight for you until the end, those who wont walk away, who would never dream of dropping you like it's hot and treating you like shit. you've got it so good. you've got support, you've got true love. your true loves are the osbornes, and your niceville girls, and erin, danielle, mandy, aaron, matt, beth, garrett, joe. they will love you through everything. they would never say you aren't good enough. they would never make you feel like you're not perfect or intelligent or funny.

neither will He. turn your eyes upon jesus and don't look back. he will catch you when you fall. he will support you. he will love you. he will be your strength and your shield.

just love him, like john said. return to him and tear your eyes away from the idol you've made. He will cleanse you. He will be like the dew in the morning, a rain that washes every stain and every speck of dirt away. He will refresh and romance. He will renew.

He is the love you are looking for.

He is the acceptance you need.

He is all that you need.

i'm not sorry

2008-12-15T01:08:00.000-06:00

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...

don't beat your head, dry your eyes

2008-12-15T00:40:00.004-06:00

i am going to be renewed; a shiny new penny.

i am not that girl who begged you to stay. i am not the girl who projected every feeling of inadequacy upon you and forced you to listen to my whining and tears while clearly you never felt you could do the same with me. i will not be her anymore. i will be stronger; i will be more put together; i will live without you.

go on, whisper to her all the same things you said to me. use the same poems for all i care. the spanish, the starbucks dates, the countless hours of philosophical banter and debate. she wont be different. you'll see that she wont be good enough for you. sooner or later; you'll unearth the flaws and the baggage she carries through life and you'll suddenly need more, you'll need something more appealing or more interesting or more focused upon you. she wont be enough. nothing is ever enough.

or will she be?

was it me? was it just me who wasn't good enough; who couldn't satisfy? who couldn't offer enough? just my entire life.. i mean, sure, that's just not enough. you needed more. i get that. i don't want to hear the bullshit anymore. i don't want to hear the excuses, the tired apologies and the hours upon hours of why i'm never good enough. reason after reason of why i shouldn't be allowed to exist as a person; why NOTHING could satisfy and nothing could please. i've heard it all my life. i've believed it all my life. but i never believed that you would make me feel that way.

i wonder if you talk about me. i wonder if she knows about our piano practices and the bleachers. what i really wonder, though, is if this is just you trying to escape from being alone? or are you really happy? is it the same thing that you did with me right after breaking up with the girl before me.. or do you really not care enough to grieve at least a little longer for the love we lost? were you really over it the week after it ended? or were you over it before it ended?

all these questions have been rolling around in my head for the past two months and they have got to stop.

i cannot be this person anymore.

i cannot let you control me. i am strong. i am able. i am good enough. i am worth something. i am smart. i am not worse than you.

for so long i needed you to believe those things; but in the end does it really matter? i know that i believe them, and i have people that surround me with love and believe them as well. that is what counts.

i lost something in losing you. i lost a friend; a partner; a support; a rock. but i will be okay. i will continue breathing. life goes on. life goes on.

so for now i say goodbye, my dear friend. you will forever be in my heart and i will never stop loving you. i wish you the world, for i know that you will embrace it with open arms and you will stop at nothing to give all that you have to it. be happy and be real.. live life for all that it is. don't forget me, and i swear i wont forget you. we owe that much to us, i think.

bullshit.

2008-12-01T00:24:00.001-06:00

You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends
Pontificating to each other
Forever competing for that one moment of self-aggrandizing glory
In which you hog the intellectual spotlight
Holding dominion over the entire shallow pointless conversation

Oh, we're not worthy
When you walk by a group of quote-unquote normal people
You chuckle to yourself patting yourself on the back as you scoff
It's the same superiority complex
Shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living hell
And makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma
You spend every moment of your waking life bitching about

oh my god

2008-07-24T15:21:00.003-05:00

Oh my God, look around this place
Your fingers reach around the bone
You set the break and set the tone
Flights of grace, and future falls
In present pain
All fools say, "Oh my God"
Oh my God, Why are we so afraid?
We make it worse when we don't bleed
There is no cure for our disease
Turn a phrase, and rise again
Or fake your death and only tell your closest friend

Oh my God.
Oh my God, can I complain?
You take away my firm belief and graft my soul upon your grief
Weddings, boats and alibis
All drift away, and a mother cries
Liars and fools; sons and failures

Thieves will always say
Lost and found; ailing wanderers
Healers always say
Whores and angels; men with problems
Leavers always say
Broken hearted; separated
Orphans always say
War creators; racial haters
Preachers always say
Distant fathers; fallen warriors
Givers always say
Pilgrim saints; lonely widows
Users always say
Fearful mothers; watchful doubters
Saviors always say
Sometimes I cannot forgive

And these days, mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep
While I lay, I dream we're better,
Scales were gone and faces light
When we wake, we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other
Sometimes I can close my eyes,
And all the fear that keeps me silent falls below my heavy breathing,
What makes me so badly bent?

We all have a chance to murder
We all feel the need for wonder
We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the thunder
Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to make of heaven
All the times I thought to reach up
All the times I had to give
Babies underneath their beds
Hospitals that cannot treat all the wounds that money causes,
All the comforts of cathedrals
All the cries of thirsty children - this is our inheritance
All the rage of watching mothers - this is our greatest offense

Oh my God
Oh my God
Oh my God

2008-07-06T21:30:00.005-05:00

i think these monks had it right.

2008-07-05T14:10:00.003-05:00

“All through the Verba Seniorum we find a repeated instance on the primacy of love over everything else in the spiritual life: over knowledge, gnosis, asceticism, contemplation, solitude, prayer. Love in fact IS the spiritual life, and without it all the other exercises of the spirit, however lofty, are emptied of content and become mere illusions. The more lofty they are, the more dangerous the illusion.

“Love, of course, means something much more that mere sentiment, much more than token favors and perfunctory almsdeeds. Love means an interior and spiritual identification with one’s brother, so that he is not regarded as an “object” to which one “does good.” The fact is that good done to another as to an object is of little or no spiritual value. Love takes one’s neighbor as one’s other self, and loves him with all the immense humility and discretion and reserve and reverence without which no one can presume to enter into the sanctuary of another’s subjectivity.”

Thomas Merton

2008-06-22T22:15:00.008-05:00

mercy.

2008-06-22T22:15:00.002-05:00

you're not guilty anymore
you're not filthy anymore
i love you
mercy is yours

the gulf of mexico.

2008-06-19T19:40:00.003-05:00

its very funny to me how i have sat through classes with the most intelligent professors and listened to the most passionate preachers, and i find myself learning more from a bunch of teenagers who have never left the comfort of the youth group they grew up in.

this summer- this internship- is the most awkward, uncomfortable, and seemingly unnecessary thing i have ever done voluntarily. but it is already the most rewarding.

they say that you can never fully learn a career, or anything for that matter, by sitting in a classroom. you must experience to learn and discover yourself, for experience is the best teacher available.

i have never known anything to be this true.

i am learning things that i have either never realized or never had the strength to unearth and accept about myself. i am being faced with the gross reality of life, of growing up, of becoming an adult. i am forced to deal with my insecurities and my shortcomings. the things i have wanted for so long to change about my personality and my attitude are being thrown in my face and now i can do nothing but confront them head-on and deal with them.

my passion for ministry is being renewed. and whats more- my desire for youth ministry (which i never thought i would say after starting college)

my desire for relationship and truth and purpose is being strengthened.

the hardest part though.. i am caught in the in between. i am no longer a youth, but i am not an adult. i am not a student but i am not yet a leader. i cannot call myself a peer of these kids but i don't feel like i can sit at the grown up table just yet. i can taste adulthood as i approach my 20th birthday, but i can feel and see childhood as clear as day. this is by far the weirdest stage of my life- in the weirdest place of my life, with not much to support me.

i am painfully awkward and hopelessly inadequate.. but i must transition. and when normally i would brush it aside and lean on my friends, i now have to face the music. i am terrified of making the jump. i feel like i am living in a constant paradox because i admire these people that i have the privileged of working with so much.. perhaps more than any group of leaders i have ever served under. i am honored to call them my team and to be a part of this ministry and their vision. but, i am so incredibly intimidated by them. my insecurities are getting the best of me once again and for some reason, i can't be myself. i want them to be a part of what god is speaking to me and what i'm learning through them and this experience, but there is something lacking. is it time? or age? or gender? or personality? i don't know. i wish i could figure it out and get over it.

i need affirmation. i need guidance and accountability. i need to talk and go deeper than just a surface relationship.

i am torn. i am growing, though. my one goal for this experience was to be able to honestly say at the end of everything "that was the greatest experience of my life" and so far- it is one of them.

we will see what the rest of the summer holds. hopefully i will pull it together and be able to stop being such a wimp. all i truly know is that the lord is faithful and has been so good to me. i don't want to waste the time he has given me here and the people that are available for me to learn from. i will come out of this stronger.

may this be said of me one day.

2008-06-08T21:11:00.005-05:00

"His love for the Person of Christ was so intense that it threatened to consume him. It burned within him as a sweet and holy madness and flowed from his lips like molten gold." -a.w. tozer of frederick faber.

may you flow out of me like a precious treasure that those around me are compelled to dig up and find for themselves. may your presence in my being be gold that people rush to, because of the sheer beauty and joy that exists in you. may your love and your spirit become a burning fire within my bones, within the deepest parts of me, within my very soul. may my heart beat with your heart, my passions collide with yours, and your very essence become embedded into me.

try, try again.

2008-06-07T22:57:00.003-05:00

i am tired.

tired of the ordinary. tired of the routine. tired of the same songs, same clothes, same route.

i am tired of being lackadaisical. apparently sometime last semester i gave up. i stopped trying.. i got so tired of everything and just decided to say "f that" to pretty much all of life. which is so unlike me.. i have always tried. i've always tried to be involved and to grow and to listen and to become better than the current state of kristi.

but, i stopped trying.

and that makes me so mad.

i honestly don't even know how to start trying again. i don't know how to pick up my bible again. i don't know how to open my mouth and cry out to my father. i don't know how to speak what i'm feeling and feel what i'm speaking. i don't know how to shut up and listen. i don't know how to open my eyes to the world.. to people.. to this life that i am living.

i probably don't know how because i lost the desire to know how.

i can feel the desire returning. i can feel it running back to me and all i can do is open my arms and embrace it with all that i am. like a long awaited hug that you give to someone you haven't seen in months. like looking forward to something for so long and then finally experiencing that event.

paint my heart with desire. shower me with longing for you, and for truth, and for the ability to try. i cannot do anything on my own- but only by the grace that you give so freely. i can only do what you allow me to do, and i know that you want me to try.

my desire is to live fully alive once more. to run without growing weary. to fly on the wings of eagles. to be who i was created to be once again.

from this moment on, i will try. i will fail over and over- this is true- but i will try with all that i am.

love has come.

2008-06-07T22:37:00.000-05:00

how long you have traveled in darkness weeping
no rest in language, no words to speak
but there in the wreckage beneath bricks and bindings
love has come, love has come for you

against the night sky of your waiting
your face is like starlight when he walks in
everything worth keeping comes through dying
love has come, love has come for you

so lift up your heart now, to this unfolding
all that has been broken will be restored
here runs deep waters for all who are thirsty
love has come, love has come for you

ten thousand angels will light your pathway
until the day breaks fully in the East
they will surround you and make your way straight
love has come, love has come for you
love has come, love has come for you